


Necessary Toughness

by randers1



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Upstead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:54:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 29,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25740904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randers1/pseuds/randers1
Summary: What if Hailey hadn't changed when she returned from New York?
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 124
Kudos: 148





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic comes after some random wondering about Hailey and the 'what if' her being sent away didn't do anything for her.
> 
> All DWs.

She’s harder now, has an edge, a toughness that’s palpable to others who have known her. The walls that she had previously had up were now fortresses, feet thick, and strong like steel. She skated around the edges of them, smiling, working, not allowing anyone a glimpse _of_ them let along past them. Being away from Jay had set the foundation; The ache she felt when she missed him, the sadness when they hung up from phone calls, the grin that melted into longing when she first saw the goofy pictures and videos he’d send her of the team. They’d _hurt_.

After Cameron’s death, Jay had been her lifeline. He may not have known it, she may not have told him, but she knew it without a doubt. Even when she was at her most uncertain, knowing that he was close could tether her to something. She didn’t always want that tether, that connection, but knowing it was there was sometimes the only warm spark she could feel.

Losing it had hurt. Hurt far more than Voight’s pushing her out, something she still harbored resentment over. If he thought she didn’t know how to be herself then he just didn’t know her. This was simply who she’d become, who she was, no matter if she liked it or understood how she’d gotten here.

She took a certain pride in the fact that he thought they were similar. Maybe they were. She didn’t know, only knew she no longer recoiled at the thoughts she’d always had. The ones she’d so easily been able to shut down before, ignore, and instead do what was expected.

She didn’t know if she could go back to who she’d once been, had no idea _how_ to get back to her, didn’t know how to even begin to try, or if she even wanted to. Working in black and white had become difficult when she could see so many shades of gray in between. And she liked those shades, liked the ambiguity of both the offender and the victim. She knew that sometimes, **sometimes** , neither were so clear cut.

Besides, the fortresses she’d built had helped her immensely during her time with the FBI. Hailey knew she blinked as she processed the graphic scenes, as if each blink would capture the sight and toss it from her memory. She couldn’t hold on to any of it if she was going to survive. She worked facts, shared information, came up with theories, ran her ass off, and lived through lonely nights in her hotel. With each blink, each lonely night, every pounding foot step, she became harder, hoped stronger, more immune to the nightmares that made up the necessity for her job to exist. She wasn’t callous, she just couldn’t afford to feel anymore, good or bad. If her feeling the hurt she did at losing her partner, her ground, made her feel weak, she couldn’t add to it by feeling for victims. So she continued to alternate between aggressive pursuits during interviews, and sitting back passively, allowing OA to take point. Either way she was working hard and grinding gears doing it.

OA had only known her for a few weeks but had seen the progressive change, had called her on it, had even threatened to bring in Castille or Jubal if necessary. Hailey had simply given him a strong smile, touched his arm and assured him that she was fine. The first time it happened OA realized it had taken him a full minute after she’d gone to realize he didn’t believe her. She was that good.

The fourth time he’d questioned her the smile hadn’t appeared, the assurances hadn’t come. Instead she’d inhaled deeply through her nose and cracked her neck, annoyed. With a grimace that said she was trying to be patient she asked a basic question, her palms flat against the desk as she stood next to where he was seated.

“What is it, exactly, that makes you think I’m not doing my job here?”

The question had taken him a bit by surprise. He took in his own deep breath and responded, somewhat disbelievingly. “I don’t,” OA shook his head. “It’s actually the opposite. You’re working as though the harder you dig, the more hours you put in…like you made a deal somewhere and the faster you burn daylight the faster you’ll be done.”

Hailey hung her head down for a second. “It’s not that,” she told him, lifting it back up to see him, a small smile on her lips. “I’m just trying to give my best, show my boss back home…”

His hand went up, stopping her mid-sentence. “If you’re gonna lie, do better.” He looked around them to make sure no one would overhear, dropping his voice a bit just to be safe. “I’ve seen you change since you’ve been here, Chicago, and it’s not like I gotta squint real hard.”

She scoffed lightly. They could see her, they said, could see her changing. Voight, OA… They saw what she showed them. It was all she could do. The only difference now is she was way more aware of it.

Her head shook slightly as she regarded her temporary partner. “Everything changes OA. And everyone. This is a new city, a new job with a new set of rules. I’m just tryin to roll with it.” The hand on the shoulder move was made and so was the assurance that she was fine.

As she walked away OA twitched his mouth, wondering if the call he was about to make was the right one. He mulled it over for a moment before reaching for his desk phone.

He got the number and dialed. The person on the other end of the line picked up after a few rings.

“Hey,” He began, leaning back in his chair and again looking around. “This is Special Agent Zidan with the FBI Task Force in New York, I’ve been working with your partner…”

A few minutes later, when OA hung up, he still wasn’t sure if he’d done the right thing but it was done now. His eyebrows raised as he sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rocky road and a last day for Hailey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the comments on chapter 1--I'm glad you're excited to see what happens in this story! This is a short chapter to set up Hailey's homecoming. None of the characters are mine.

Hailey had taken a break from the office, something you could do here, and was halfway through a coffee in the rear courtyard of the building when her phone lit up.

_Hey—friendly reminder from your favorite partner: get your shit together and play nice with the feds._

Her brow furrowed as she read the text from Jay, typing back immediately. _What’s that supposed to mean?_

As soon as she read his reply her coffee was thrown roughly in the trash and she made her way back to her floor. She strode to OA’s desk, seething. “You called my _partner_ about me? What the hell is that about?!”

It took OA a moment to realize what she meant. At first he was simply thrown by how she could make her tone so absolutely venomous yet still remain so still, keep her voice so quiet. The fire in her eyes brought him back quickly and he shook his head at her. “Hey, don’t put this on me. I’ve tried with you, reasoned with you, damn near threatened you,” He looked around to make sure no one was listening. “But if you’re not gonna listen to me, I went to someone that maybe you would.”

“That wasn’t cool OA. Don’t bring Jay in to my business.” She hissed.

He scooted his chair closer to his desk. “ _Then stop screwing around._ ” He eyed her, his manner one hundred percent serious. “We may only be working together temporarily but I have to be able to trust you. Trust that you’re not cutting corners, that you’re all in on how we do things so we don’t get screwed on the back end—Upton, listen, I need you working _smart_ -not just hard.”

She was controlling the rapid rise and fall of her chest as she worked to even out her breathing. Her teeth were gritted together when she spoke. “Next time, if you have a problem with me, you come talk to me. If you can’t do that or you don’t like my answers, then do what you said you’d do and go to Castille or Jubal. But you _don’t_ involve my team, you _don’t_ involve Jay. You think you have a problem with me now…?” She let the question-slash-quasi threat hang in the air as they stared at each other, neither backing down. It was only when Kristen called Hailey over to sign a few documents that she broke her stare and walked away.

Days later Hailey sat at the hotel bar, mulling over her newly strained partnership. Since their argument, they had closed a case but even she’d admit it they’d done it awkwardly. The interview they conducted together was spotty and far from smooth. They’d gotten lucky that the guy that sat before them cuffed to the table believed his buddy was talking in the next room, and was open to writing down his statement, trying to beat the non-existent neighbor to the punch.

They’d finished the day early and without speaking, and now she stared at nothing as she absently cycled her bourbon glass in circles on the teak wood. The liquid sloshed around inside but never jumped out. She’d been doing it for minutes and perfected the swirl. A quiet buzzing tone sounded as her phone screen brightened. A light smile graced her face as she saw the caller’s name and lifted the phone to her ear.

“Hey Jay, what’s up?”

“Hey! Heard the good news, wanted to see if you had any details yet.” He sounded slightly out of breath, either walking outside in the cold or maybe having just run up some stairs.

Hailey’s brow furrowed as her finger now moved to follow the circular rim of the glass, round and round. “You lost me. What good news?”

“Oh.... Shit.”

“Jay, spit it out.” She stopped and sipped from her glass, curious as to what he thought he knew. She could practically see him run a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out what to say.

“You’re done. Voight filled us in, said you’d be back on Friday.” He paused. “Hailey, listen, if there’s some kind of going away thing on your end that I just ruined—“

She huffed out a small laugh. “I won’t say a word.”

They talked easily for a few more minutes and when they hung up Jay’s words repeated in her brain. _You’re done_ could mean so many things. She wasn’t here to make friends, she was here to ‘learn’, to ‘stay in the lines’. She’d played by their rules, maybe not without bristling, but now, if she really was about to close out in New York, there was a niggling thought, a wonder about what would be written in the interagency training report Voight would receive.

Sure enough, the next morning she was called in to a meeting with SAC Castille and told the schedule of her exit interviews and debriefs, who to hand her files off to, given the details of her flight home, and thanked for her diligent and hard work, she’d been a true asset. No mention of anything else had been made so Hailey had taken that as a positive, thanked her temporary boss for her time and the opportunity, and made her way back to her desk, ready to start the end of her time in New York.

The goodbyes at the end of the day were simple; Handshakes, hugs, fist bumps and kind words were exchanged with the team. OA had hung back in the group, and once everyone else left he went in for a hug. She reciprocated, giving him a few light pats on the back. “You, Chicago, are an enigma.” He smiled down at her.

“That’s a new one.” She mused.

“It means--”

“I know what it means,” she interrupted. “I’ve just never been called it before.”

“Well take it as a compliment.” He watched her as she smirked and began the finishing touches to ending her day, pushing in her chair, turning off the computer. “And hey, when you get back to your unit do me a favor?”

Her head turned, smiling warily as she pulled on her coat and fluffed her out from the back of it. “Do I want to hear it?”

He ignored her rhetorical question. “Slow down. Think things through. You’re too good to--.” He stopped short and twisted his mouth a bit, looking away, before continuing “Keep it tight, Chicago.”

It took a few seconds but then Hailey rolled her eyes in mock annoyance, a slight smile slipping across her lips. “You’re an idiot” she offered a smile as she stepped toward him, initiating the hug this time, though still lightly.

Stepping back, she looked up at him. “You’re a good partner.” She nodded. “Thank you.”

He smirked, accepting the compliment. “Get outta here. Pretty sure you have a plane to catch.”

Hailey stood for a few seconds before quirking an eyebrow and smiling. Yeah. She did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey comes home. With Jay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All DWs.

She felt like a stranger here, like a guest and she was here in their home while they weren’t. Hailey walked gingerly through her own home, stopping periodically to reacquaint herself with it, purposely looking at the pictures scattered throughout. The cluster of framed photos she looked at now were taken just under a year ago, and she glanced from them over to catch her current reflection in the wall mirror. There was a definite difference; not just age or maturity, but the hardness that she wore now hadn’t yet been born in the pictures. In them, there was still a softness and for a moment now she mourned it. She’d thought herself strong then, but so much had affected her, hurt her, made her question. She had spent so many hours with Jay, drinking and talking, and while she always felt infinitely better afterward, she’d continued to be hurt, affected, and question after nearly each case. Their ‘thing’ was the balm, but what she wanted was to not feel the pain in the first place.

And she’d been getting there, to the place where she could be numb—could think and act without guilt, or at least with the ability to push it away, smother it and move on. Until Voight had sent her away. He might not like what her actions had been and he might not care for who she’d become, but she had been on track to becoming better for it, she could feel it. Or rather, not feel it. The pain, for the case, the victim, the situation could be numbed, outcomes--- justice for people that might not be gotten could be controlled. Her sergeant didn’t agree though and he’d done something about it. A part of her admired him for stepping up, for taking action instead of having the continued conversations filled with warnings and concern. The other part still raged against being sent away, for being served a consequence. That part of her occupied more of her time She looked down again at the picture—the one of her, Jay, and Adam, taken by Kim on a sunny day at the close of a case. One that had had a happy ending and their faces showed it. All smiles and light. She couldn’t remember what it was like to stand in the sun and be that happy.

She was startled by the sound of Jay coming in behind her, dropping her suitcases and bag. She saw the flicker of concern on his face as he found her, her face…sad?... with the frame in her hand.

“Hey,” his chin lifted. “you good?”

A split-second thought of being honest with him raced through her brain, wanting to take advantage of the fact that she was with him again, longing to go back in time to her ease at his presence.

“All good,” she nodded, keeping her fortress tight. The frame was returned to the table and she turned to him, putting her hands in her coat pocket. “Thanks for that. I got it from here.”

“Yeah? First you might wanna put on a light.” His coat was already off as he reached for a table lamp, knowing it worked from its base and not from a switch on the wall. The realization made her twitch as a feeling she’d lost touch with bubbled up. She couldn’t guard against it and knew it showed on her face.

He noticed and paused, his face illuminated in the light. “You sure you’re ok?”

She realized too late that she was staring, forced herself to blink as a mask of pleasure came down over her features. “Yeah, just being home again…it’s weird after being gone a while, y’know?”

Jay nodded as he moved around to sit on the couch. She did the same. “I do. When I got back from Afghanistan and came home, it was to my parents’ house, where I grew up. Talk about weird.”

“You win. Your weird beats my weird.” She huffed out a laugh as she took off her coat, leaving it behind her on the couch. Hailey stretched and groaned loudly, falling backward against the cushion.

“Ow,” she groaned, laughing mildly and turned to see that Jay’s arm, outstretched along the back of the couch, was what she’d hit her head against. He just smirked at her, saying nothing. “Been a while since I had someone to sit with.” She mused. “Forgot the hazards.”

“Well you’re back now. About to roll with Intelligence again--with me. Definitely gonna be hazards.” He nodded and continued to smirk, enjoying their mild banter again, feeling delighted that she was here, that he was with her.

Hailey continued to look at him and took a deep breath, nodding, her eyes never leaving him. “Hey.”

Jay looked up and over to her.

“I missed you.” She was totally serious as was now the mood in her living room. It was surprising to her that she was able to say it, but knowing that she didn’t have a solid footing on where she went from here helped. So much depended on what had been written in the report submitted to Voight—and if that went her way, then things would hinge on how she was able to do her job in Intelligence. She had a feeling she’d need to please Voight, which was yet another uncertain. So talking to Jay like this, it was a kind of a now or maybe never situation.

“Yeah?” Jay was surprised by her admission. His eyebrows flicked up.

Her lips were tight as she looked down at her jeans, something she’d barely worn in all of her time in New York. They were as Chicago as she was. She kept her eyes down but nodded slightly. “Not-- just working with you….You….Every day.”

Jay’s voice was low when he said her name. “Hailey.” When she turned her head to look at him it was with the shyness of someone who had said something, made themselves vulnerable and now had to wait for the reaction. His tongue moved inside his mouth while he thought of how to tell her that he hated her being gone, seeing her desk empty, missed her smile, her hair, their talks. Her. “Same.”

The corner of her lips turned upward for a second as she nodded. Her chest moved with a silent chuckle.

Her eyes left him and went back to the knees of her jeans. “I had…a lot of alone time in New York. A lot of time to think.” She ran a hand over the top of her head as she sat back again, this time mindful of Jay’s arm, taking time to purposely push her head against it and feel it behind her, keep the connection.” “Too much sometimes.”

Jay was listening intently. He knew this wasn’t just talking, this was about to venture in to sharing and he was here for it, for her. The last statement hurt him and his mouth twitched, showing it. Hailey was looking straight ahead now though and thankfully didn’t see.

“We’ve got a good thing here Jay, you and me. We work well together and I—“ she turned to him, keeping her head against his arm. He noticed. “I missed it. Missed _you_. And I know I already said that but…it was hard. Being away.”

He nodded somberly. “I get it.” He flashed a mild smile seeing and sensing her relax a bit at his own admission. “I do. Things here, they were weird. You left a big hole.”

She was taking in what he’d said, teasing out what he meant, trying to focus on what she wanted, what she was…feeling.

“Y’know,” Her eyes were on his freckles, his eyes, his mouth. “There was a time I wanted to talk to you. To tell you something.” Her lips met and sealed tight. “I don’t know how it would’ve played out but I do wish that maybe I’d said it then. Then maybe…” she shrugged.

“You could tell me now.” He offered, his voice just above a whisper.

Her eyes were back to his, her face completely serious. She shook her head slightly, unsure if it was in response to his hopeful look, his idea, or her own idea that she had now. The one she was running with.

“Jay,” she all but whispered, her mouth twisting for just a second before she was moving toward him, her legs up onto the couch as she rolled her chest toward him. She stopped just short of her face touching his and when she spoke Jay could feel the warmth of her breath on his face. “You can tell me not to, you can tell me to—“

“Stop.” He whispered. “Hailey, stop. Stop talking.”

She moved forward and kissed him. He knew it was coming but didn’t do anything, didn’t kiss her back right away. Instead he felt her, her presence, her lips, the softness coupled with dryness from the cold air in New York. She pulled back, probably to see if something was wrong. He shook his head, telling her no, there was nothing wrong, and pulled her back to him, this time initiating the kiss, and kissing her back as she melted against him, her hands on his chest.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey talks with Voight.

Jay had left, smirking while citing some kind of ‘gentleman’s code’ and the fact that it was Hailey’s first night back. Hailey stood in the mirror of her bathroom, fingers to her still kiss-swollen lips, thinking about the insanity of the day.

Leaving New York in the morning, Jay picking her up at the airport and the ride back to her place, _being_ back in her home and the strange memories and feelings it brought, talking with Jay, telling him, kissing him…

She shook her head, trying to clear it all away. Or almost all of it. Touching her lips again she smiled. She sighed and padded back to her bedroom. She stared at her bed and for some reason couldn’t go to it. That bed was last slept in by someone else, someone she didn’t think she was any more. It seemed wrong to be in it so she grabbed a few blankets and a pillow from the hall closet. She spent the night on the living room couch.

The morning finally came and Hailey found herself driving the familiar route to the 21st. She knew she was running early but wanted to get everything started, put everything in motion.

She was in just before the shift change so she was successful in avoiding Platt for now. She wanted her first conversation to be with her boss and she was minutes away from it. She took a breath at the security gate and let it out in a woosh as her palm and code were successfully accepted and the gate buzzed as she opened it. She climbed the steps and slowed at the last few, taking in the empty bullpen. A place she’d visualized, a place that helped keep her mind in Chicago while she was gone. It was perfectly the same.

Voight watched her from his doorway as she stood at her desk, 2 fingers lightly drawing lines on it. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking but wanted to give her the moment to reacquaint herself, to take in her workspace again.

“Hailey,” his rough voice rumbled. “Welcome back.”

She smiled a bit before turning, hearing his voice. When she turned to him she thanked him softly. “Good to be here.”

“We’ll see.” He was cryptic, nodding inside his office. “Come on in.”

He disappeared inside and she was officially in the moment she’d been waiting for and dreading simultaneously. Another deep breath and exhalation and she began moving. Inside she sat before his desk, realizing her coat was still on so she stuffed her hands inside her pockets and waited.

Voight opened the conversation with a benign question. “How was New York?”

She huffed out a soft chuckle. “Loud…busy…cold…”

“Working with the FBI?”

She inhaled through her nose. They were getting in to it. “It was different,” she acknowledged. “harder…in some ways. Solid team, good people….” She’d tried to surpress the slight shrug but couldn’t.

Hank picked up a file filled with paperwork. “I know what it says in here, Hailey. It’s nothing I didn’t expect. Stellar work, asset to the team, quick assimilation…” he paused after the good and went to the other, pulling out one piece of paper. He read from it. “Tendency toward recklessness, emotional control is a worry and needs to be watched, buries herself in the work to the point of risk…” Hailey was listening, her eyes down at her jeans. He stopped reading but it was obvious there was more. “Again. Nothing I didn’t expect. But now, why don’t you tell me how it all really went down—good, bad, ugly….illegal.”

Her eyes popped up to him. “What? Sarge, I didn’t….”

“Hailey,” his voice was soft. “Just tell me. All of it.”

She took a deep breath, feeling like she was on a slippery slope, desperately thinking of what to say. “The cases they worked…some were like here. Nothing I hadn’t seen, couldn’t handle. Some were….worse.” She lost herself for just a moment, in the flashes of things she’d purposely avoided remembering. “I was partnered with a good guy…..”

“Not as good as Halstead I’m assuming,” he interrupted, the slightest of smirks on his face.

She huffed out a breath, her smirk as small as his and gave a slight shake of her head. “He was fine.” She continued. “Some cases, some offenders…I couldn’t…” she trailed off a bit, alluding to the cases she’d sat back on, let OA take the lead. Her mouth twitched and she grimaced trying to control it. “Some I may have---“ she met his eyes and changed her words. “Did—come on strong with. Maybe too strong.” She’d been told to leave the interview room a handful of times, told to cool down and get herself under control. “We closed a lot of cases…but I….I never….” She shook her head at him, wanting him to believe her. “Never…crossed the line.” Made questionable choices sure, crossed the line like he’d talked about, sent her away for, no. Honestly, she hadn’t really even been tempted. There was no investment there, no one she would consider doing it for. Now that she was home though, she knew the gray area was out there, knew she was now a person who could step in to it for the right reasons.

“Hailey, I know.” He told her, letting her off the hook. “You did good work out there, hard work and I’m sure it wasn’t easy at times. But you know you needed to go, to see the lines clearly and work within them no matter what.”

She sighed just a bit as she listened.

“It’s what I need you to do here.” He tapped his desk a few times. “There are things I can do Hailey, because of the time I’ve put in, the contacts I have…the choices that I’ve made down the line. Things I’m not sorry for,” he told her honestly, “but things I don’t want for anyone else…for you. Other things got compromised along the way, lost…and I want you to have…” He thought of what he wanted to say, for her to understand. He wasn’t unhappy with his life but he knew what it lacked. “I want you to have..the fullest life you can. Whatever that is for you, I want you to have it. Without looking back and wishing you could do it over, do it different, make different calls. Do you get what I’m saying?”

She nodded somewhat reluctantly but yeah, she was getting it.

He exhaled deeply. “Okay, then. So here it is, here’s where we are. You’re back on the clock today, this morning, Partnered with Halstead,” he nodded at her, knowing he was answering an unasked question. “But—I’m keeping an eye on you, and I’ll come down on you, hard, if I’m seeing you drift. I’ll bench you, put you on desk duty, whatever it takes…”

Hailey’s brow furrowed a bit, unsure if she wanted to agree to that out loud. She settled for accepting it with a curt, silent nod.

“Ok then,” he leaned back in his chair, obviously done with his part. “Anything you want to add?”

She sat still for a moment, thinking before speaking. When she did her voice was soft but her tone was firm. “Sarge,” she began. “Everything you said, I can work with. But—“ Here came the hard part. The admission, the question, the hope. “If you expect me to be…to be who I was…before----I’m not sure I can….”

He shook his head. “Hailey, I don’t expect you to be anyone but yourself. Whoever that is is fine with me so long as you do the work, the quality of work I need in this unit.”

She bit the inside of both cheeks, nodding slightly, eyes on her boss. As long as she didn’t have to pretend—much, she’d be okay. A weight lifted off her chest and she let out a breath. “Okay.”

“Go clock in. Platt has your mail.”

She stood, pausing for a second and walked out to the bullpen. She was back at work.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's having a tough time with their current case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning--The case involves brutal crimes against children.

The team had welcomed her back with little public fanfare. They asked questions one on one and Hailey was able to truthfully answer them all, but for the reason she left she remained vague. She wasn’t privy to what Voight had told the team about her absence; No one had told her and she hadn’t asked. She wanted to pick up and keep going, not look back. If the past few weeks were any indication, she’d be able to continue to do just that. The team had kept busy, seemingly catching case after case. Hailey loved it, being back, staying busy, working with her team, and having Jay back as her partner. She loved being in his truck, grabbing coffee in the mornings, and being able to look up and see him across from her desk. They didn’t have many free after work hours, but when they did they either hit Molly’s to let off some steam or fell dead asleep at home. They managed to sneak a few kisses in between cases but it was as if the people of Chicago were bound and determined to keep them too busy to move forward from where they’d started on her first night back.

Besides, the case they were currently working was working all their nerves and tensions were running high. For the past week and a half they’d been tracking a group of drug runners, using young kids to get the drugs around the city in backpacks. The kids were easy targets once the word got out and small children had been found beaten and dead across the city. Whoever was running the kids hadn’t stopped and instead increased the number of runners but using dupes to reduce the risk of the drugs being stolen. Kids were beaten for having the drugs and beaten for not. As the number of pictures on the board increased Hailey’s heart broke harder. She closed her eyes as she stood in front of it, reminding herself that this was exactly the reason she had to keep her feelings at bay, behind closed doors and tall walls. Slowly, she began to shuffle them around, pushing them back to the space she’d prepared for them.

A few feet away Jay hung up the phone call he’d been on. “Sarge,” he called out. “Kim and Adam met with Adam’s CI and got an address on a potential suspect. Patrol caught him with a kid’s backpack with a quarter brick of H inside. They’re bringing him in. Be at the roll up in 10.”

“Hailey, I want you to run the interview with Adam.” Voight came out of his office and also faced the board filled with writing and pictures of school aged children. Her eyes flicked to Jay, both knowing their boss would be watching to see if she kept her cool, something she’d struggled with the past few cases. She swallowed and nodded, steeling herself against the suspect coming in and what they’d talk about. She swung her eyes back to the board, to the school pictures of smiling kids beside the pictures of their bodies. Her vision narrowed a bit as her jaw set. 

“Hey,” She felt a hand on her arm, gently guiding her away. “Come on.” Jay walked beside her to the break room, getting himself a coffee. She leaned back against the counter, arms crossed in front of her. He nodded to the coffee he was pouring, silently asking if she wanted some. She shook her head and pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator instead, unscrewing the cap and taking a drink.

“You’re gonna need to cool it,” Jay spoke conspiratorially. “This case is hard Hailey, we all see that. But you know Voight’s watching…keep it together.”

She pursed her lips for a second. “If this—suspect—turns out to have a connection to that,” she pointed behind them to the board. “I’m gonna have a hard time.” She blinked at him, her honesty coming out more than she intended. The intensity of her introspection was obvious. She was desperate to compartmentalize this case—to lock up the details and the images into a part of her brain she could forget about from time to time, take a break from the misery and the blood, and the wasted youth and crying parents. But she was failing at every turn, the process proving harder and harder, and things were leaking out of her that she didn’t intend. Like that honesty.

Jay put his mug down and stepped to her. A quick glance out to the empty bullpen and his hands grabbed her wrists gently. “Let Adam run point.” He suggested calmly. “This case is under all of our skins but you gotta watch it. Back Adam up but let him take the lead. Hailey,” he stooped down a bit to look her in the eye. “Get through this one and you’ll be able to breathe. Voight’ll ease up, and whoever’s been doing this,” he thumbed over his shoulder toward the board. “will be charged and we can close it up.”

She nodded in silence, flattening her lips till they turned nearly white. She was wound tight to begin with and tighter now knowing a suspect was nearly there and she’d be in the room with them. 

Kevin leaned in the doorway, rapping against the doorjamb. “They’re here. On their way up.”

Both Jay and Hailey nodded at Atwater as he left.

“You’ve got this” Jay reminded her, brushing a hand against her arm. Hailey nodded and together they walked out. Hailey went in to the interview room while Jay met up with Voight and Kevin in the observation room beside it.

As 12 year old DeShawn Taylor was escorted in to the room, his advocate followed, and together they sat before Hailey and Adam.

Adam started in, soft and caring, appealing to the kid’s heart, using the fact that he had a younger brother and even younger sister at his house. After 15 minutes he still wasn’t making any headway.

DeShawn had scoffed. “You think they won’t be running when they can? You’re stupid if you think they’re not gonna bring it in.”

Hailey stood against the two-way mirror, arms across her chest and closed her eyes. This kid was 12 and already incredibly hardened.

“Okay,” she opened them again and walked to the table, taking a seat beside Adam. “So you’re saying you’d put them out when they’re what-- 6? 8?” Her tone was clipped as she pulled the file that Adam had in front of him, sliding out photos, turning them over to reveal their horror.

“And you’d have no problem at all, if they were out with or without dope, getting beaten, getting _killed_ because they were wearing a _backpack_.”

The kid leaned forward a bit to see the pictures. “I remember them.” He looked to Hailey. “Dumbasses couldn’t even get half a block before getting taken.”

Hailey sucked in a breath and felt Adam tense beside her. She ran a hand over her mouth. “So you knew what they were doing, risking their lives, putting innocent children’s lives in danger.” She bit harshly.

From the next room Voight voiced his concern to the window before them. “Easy Hailey….” Jay and Kevin glanced at each other before settling their eyes back on the two-way mirror.

“Pft,” He leaned back. “You been to my neighborhood? Ain’t no one innocent.” He leaned back comfortably. “’Sides, I’m only 12. What you gonna do to me?” He played the age card beautifully, having obviously been coached on what could and couldn’t happen to minors.

“It doesn’t matter, that what you’re saying? You can be punched, kicked, bloodied, hit with bottles, bricks, dirt shoved down your throat so you can’t breathe. Doesn’t matter how young you are? Good to know. Not that it would matter but I’m sure the bangers you’re running against would _love_ to know not to lose any sleep should something happen to _you_.” The veiled threat was there and she smirked as she watched it register on him, not that he seemed to care too much.

His advocate spoke up. “ ** _Detective_**! I’d like a moment with Mr.Taylor if you don’t mind.”

“ ** _Dammit_**!” Voight flew out of the observation room with Jay and Kevin right behind.

Adam murmured her name as he stood but Hailey didn’t move. Her eyes were locked on DeShawn and his on hers. She was proud of herself. Yeah, she skated the line but hadn’t crossed it. “Hailey” he repeated a bit more firmly. She let out a slight breath and pushed the photos back in to the file as Adam grabbed it. She stood and looked back at him once more.

The door opened fast. “Detective Upton?” Voight seethed. She looked at her boss before turning her hard gaze on DeShawn.

“Good thing you’re here for now. In case I don’t see you later though, stay safe out there.” Her eyebrow quirked as she tilted her head condescendingly. She purposely took out her phone as she watched him, then walked out with Adam behind her.

In Voight’s office she listened to him yell about her behavior. She held her tongue throughout it then spoke when she thought he was done. “Sarge, he wasn’t giving us anything.”

“Then we find something else! And when I say ‘we’ that does _not_ include _you_! You’re off this case Hailey, off every case until we can figure out a way for you to get your head back on straight.”

“Sarge…that’s—my head’s just fine,” she countered. “That kid in there--”

“IS A KID HAILEY—you said it! Hate what he’s done, hate who he is but he has rights as a minor and one of them _isn’t_ to be threatened by the CPD!”

“I didn’t threaten him,” she retorted strongly. “I just gave him a reminder.”

Voight just stared at her. Finally he sat behind his desk, throwing a look at the door. “We’re done here.”

Hailey turned, opening the door and walked out, avoiding Jay at his desk and Adam at his. She went directly to the break room, grabbing the water she’d had earlier and drank from the bottle.

She turned as Adam’s voice came from the doorway as he entered.

“He’s just a kid.” Adam was testy and annoyed by her behavior in the room.

She steeled her look and shot it directly at him. “A kid who’s responsible for the deaths of a bunch of other kids, Adam. Little kids. 7,8, 9 years old.” She gestured out at the board in the other room.

“Hailey….”

She pointed dramatically down the hallway. “That kid in there….that kid is a killer. You know it. I know it. We all know it.” She was starting to lose control and tried to get it back. “I don’t care how old he is or what shitty environment he comes from. He’s responsible for the murder of _children_ , for using them to run the drugs…”

“Do you hear yourself?!” Ruzek’s voice level matched hers now. “You’re making my point! To run the drugs that the _older adults_ in his life _make_ him do, and that he does so _he_ can stay alive Hailey. This is his life!”

She tilted her head, disbelieving. “You expect me to have sympathy for that? For him?” She shook her head. “Uh uh, that’s not gonna happen. That kid, Adam, that kid in there is no victim, that kid’s a monster.”

Voight had heard the yelling and came out. “All right, enough!” He threw a glance to Jay behind him, effectively telling him to get his partner in line. Jay’s lips flattened and he took a breath. He came forward in to the room.

His voice was low. “Hailey.”

She snapped her head toward him, confused that he might disagree with her viewpoint on this. Frustration crept higher through her as she huffed out a disgusted breath, shook her head a bit and walked out of the room, banking left toward the locker room.

He stayed right behind her and followed her in. She leaned against the sink, arms braced tight against it.

“Hey,” he went to her, standing directly behind her and ran his hands from her shoulders to her elbows and back again. “What’s going on?”

He could feel her deflate before she turned around.

“Why are we tip-toeing around this kid? He’s gotten at least 8 kids killed _that we know of_.”

“Because he’s a kid himself. He was taken advantage of when he was younger, roped in to this as a way of life. You know this Hailey, it’s not the first time.”

“No…” She shook her head. “ **No**. Kid or not, Jay, _children are dead_. Beaten. to. death. How am I the only one who sees that they are the victims here, _not_ DeShawn Taylor.”

He sighed and took a step back, leaning against the lockers. “No one’s arguing those kids aren’t victims Hailey, but we gotta treat DeShawn like what he is—he’s got a child advocate with him for a reason.”

She scoffed. “Because of his age. Ridiculous.” She turned around, pacing a bit, trying to burn off some energy, some anger.

“Look, I don’t know why we’re even having this conversation. Bottom line, he’s a kid. Yeah, he’s a suspect and we’ll probably get him on a modified charge for this if Voight doesn’t want to flip him up for someone bigger. But we can’t go at him like he’s some hardened criminal whose done 6 years in Statesville.”

“That’s probably where he’s heading.” She muttered flatly.

“He’s not there yet.” Jay eyed her, surprised at the hard and fast position she was taking on this.

She huffed out a dry chuckle. “Give him time.” With a mild eye roll she took a breath. “I can’t talk about this anymore.” She paused before Jay, nearly putting a hand to his arm, before a slight grimace crossed her face and she averted her eyes. She walked out while Jay stood against the locker wondering how the morning had turned to shit. He scrubbed at his face and walked slowly back to his desk. He noticed Hailey’s coat was gone from her chair, and glanced ahead to see Adam turned in his chair facing him.

“Hey man, what was that?”

“No idea….” With two hands to his face Jay rubbed his eyes and tried to get back to work.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's at home, licking her wounds.

Hailey spent the next two days at home. After a phone call from Voight an hour after she’d left, she hadn’t answered her phone or her door. Not that she’d heard either. She’d left her phone downstairs, and holed up in her bedroom, first irate and raging to herself for hours, then depleted, defeated and exhausted, falling in to a deep, deep sleep.

The rest of the team worked the case, closing it with the arrest of DeShawn and his ‘mentor,’ the leader of the organization. The rest of the crew were tracked down by patrol and arrested.

The morning of the third day, Hailey caught the story on the morning news. She sighed in to her coffee, the first she’d had in the days she’d been home. She hoisted herself on to the counter, her eyes on her face down phone, sure it was now at zero battery. She forced herself to look away from it as she sipped from her mug. There wasn’t anything she could think of that she wanted to see less than disappointed or angry texts from Jay. Really from anyone…but mostly Jay. She closed her eyes as the hot liquid burned down her throat. Her feet swung lightly in the quiet cool of her kitchen. She choked as she heard a key turn in her front door lock.

Jay walked in to her, sitting atop her kitchen counter, coughing, her hair in a messy ponytail, wrinkled clothes, red rimmed eyes, and exhausted features.

“What the hell?” she managed.

He was surprisingly calm. Too calm maybe and her guard went up. He flipped up the key ring in his palm before tossing it onto a table. “Got it from 3320. She hopes you’re feeling better. You're a good neighbor, she'd hate to lose you.”

Hailey closed her eyes and scratched at her inner eye. She put her cup down but stayed where she was, drawing her legs up to sit criss cross.

“Why are you here?” Her voice was dry.

“Just making sure you’re not dead. It’s been 3 days. Figured I’d check before the neighbors called in about a smell.”

“I’m not dead….I just feel like it.”

Jay walked over and took off his coat, throwing it on the counter before hopping up to sit beside her. His voice was quiet. “I know you’re not okay but….are you okay?” He knew the answer but felt the need to ask.

She huffed out a breath through a self-deprecating smirk. “No.”

“I was worried.”

She nodded, her head hanging down. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

He looked at the phone beside her, flipped face down. “Something wrong with your phone? I’ve been calling…texting.”

Her eyebrows raised. “I wouldn’t know.”

Jay reached over her and took the phone, noticing the lack of brightness as he touched it. He rolled his eyes to her as he hopped down and placed it on the wireless charging pad. He stood before it and watched the screen brighten, alerting him to the missed calls, emails and texts.

“I don’t want to know.” She told him.

He turned back to her crossing his arms at his chest. “You look like shit.”

She chuckled dryly. “Great. That’s great. Feel like it too so there’s that.” she moved then, hopping down clumsily. She drained the now lukewarm coffee and put her mug in the sink. “So you can see I’m not dead. No need to worry the neighbors. I’m heading back upstairs....Thanks for stopping by. Make sure Elena gets her keys back, she’s a real bitch if you have them too long.” She started to move slowly and Jay had her wrist in his grip before she’d taken 2 steps. She looked away from him and sighed.

“Jay…really. I just wanna go back to bed.”

“Then I’ll go with you.” His brow furrowed. “Upstairs.”

She shook her head, hair falling out of the elastic. “Not necessary. But thanks.”

“I wasn’t asking. Hailey, I’m staying till you talk to me. Till _we_ can talk.”

“What’s there to talk about?” she mused. “No reason to go to work, I’m benched. May as well stay home and catch up on sleep. Maybe some crappy daytime tv.”

“Hey." He peered down at her. "You fucked up. Royally, yeah--”

She met his eyes but without any defense in them.

“You lost it, Hailey. But I’m here." He whispered, trying to keep emphasis on his words without seeming like he was begging. "I want to help you turn this around, help you get it back.”

She took her wrist back from him and looked him in the eye and spoke quietly. “That’s the problem Jay. I’m not sure if I really did lose it—or if I ever even had it to begin with.” She shrugged nonchalantly and the look she gave him was a dry appraising one, as if she didn’t really know him. She walked away and went upstairs alone.

She lay in her bed under blankets and a comforter, trying to rid of the chill she felt down through her bones. The house was quiet and she was alone with her thoughts, though she was trying _not_ to think. The other side of her bed dipped down and she turned, surprised to see Jay sitting on the other side, removing his shoes.

“I thought you left-What are you doing?”

He stood now and unbuckled his belt and his jeans, sliding them down his legs. He looked over his shoulder at her as he stepped out of them and pulled the blankets back. “If you’re staying in bed, I’m staying with you.” He slid in and lay down beside her.”

“You look like hell and you need to brush your teeth--” he tried for a half smile and was only successful for a second. “But I’m not leaving you Hailey. If this is what you need right now, then I’m here for it. I’m here for you. Even if you don’t want me to be.”

She didn’t say anything, didn’t even blink. For once he had no idea what she was thinking, or if she even was.

She breathed in and out a few times before he heard her voice again. “Not the way I pictured you in my bed for the first time.”

He smirked and chuckled. “So you’ve pictured it huh?” he deadpanned.

Again, no smile, no smirk, and she didn’t respond right away, eyed him levelly instead. “You better not snore.” She turned over on to her other side. “And don’t hog the blankets.”

A small smile played on his features as he felt that he’d cracked the surface of reaching her. She was talking to him even if it was nonsense.

He got comfortable, inhaling the scent of her from her sheets and comforter, and wrapped an arm around her as he settled in behind her back. He smiled again as he felt her body relax, soften into him. “I’m not leaving you.” He reminded her with a whisper.

Her breathing evened out nearly immediately and he realized she was sound asleep. Jay closed his own eyes as he relaxed. He was always down for a nap.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting chilly in Chicago. Good thing Hailey knows how to heat Jay up ;-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter and a weird ending to the chapter but....here's the update :-)

“Where’s your head?”

Hailey sat across from Voight in his office, the very early morning light streaming through the windows. She sighed heavily, thinking the question through. She spoke as she lifted her eyes back to him. “I think…” she bit the inside of her cheek. “Sarge, my head is clear. What happened before…that case was tough. I had a hard time with it and I should’ve reached out.” She hoped that would be enough to appease. She was wrong.

Hank regarded her carefully from the seat behind his desk. He grunted softly. “That’s very nice Hailey, but you haven’t answered the question. Where’s your head?”

She let out a breath. “My head is here. With this unit.” Her voice was stronger than she expected and inwardly she smiled.

“Gotta say I’m surprised we’re even talking about his again.” He sighed. “You’re back on a road here that, once you get far enough down it, you’re not coming back.” He shook his head knowingly.

She nodded in confirmation. “I get it Sarge, I --

“You don’t. If you did, we wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation. Hailey, you’re a great cop, one of the best I’ve seen, and I’m proud to have you as part of this unit. But I’m not a babysitter. I’m not gonna hold your hand on every rough case, no one is, we get too many of them. That’s our job.”

She bit her lip, trying to stop the quiver she felt coming. 

“I feel like we’re going backwards here. If I was ever gonna have this conversation with you I thought it would have been way back at the beginning, not now. This is new territory…”

He trailed off and Hailey took the opportunity to try and plead her case one last time. “I know I was out of line with the case, with DeShawn…I let my feelings get in the way of the job. I’m dealing with that Sarge, and I can assure you, it won’t happen again.” She paused and looked him in the eye. “It won’t.”

His decision seemed to be made immediately with the rushed way that he spoke. “All right, you’re gonna ride out the rest of the day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow. I’m not kidding Hailey. You gotta play it right or you’re gonna be outta the game. I promise you that. It won’t be pretty but I assure you it will be fast.”

She nodded, looking up at him from under her lashes. She knew she screwed up. Wouldn’t let it happen again.

And she didn’t. For the next few weeks Hailey played every case super straight, someone may have mistaken her for having written the book by which they all played. Nothing was done with suspicion, with gray tactics, or anything that could be perceived as questionable. Voight noticed, not necessarily with happiness but with cautious foresight. He wouldn’t say he was completely comfortable with his detective’s behavior. He’d been there, could see the mask she wore now. It would slip. He knew it would, it was just a matter of time.

Jay and the rest of the unit, on the other hand, were happily working together seamlessly again. The cases were hard, worked, and closed. Paperwork and reports were written and filed, and nights were filled with drinks at Molly’s. Hailey and Jay hadn’t spent much alone time together—he’d been tasked with a short term undercover and she’d been working to re-establish her relationships with the rest of the unit.

Hailey lay in bed, warm under the blankets as she looked at the window. Frost had accumulated overnight as the temps had dropped steeply over the past few days. Winter was here, she guessed. She turned over and grabbed her phone, the new text catching her eye. Furrowing her brow she sat up, pulling the comforter up over her as she swiped to open her text.

6:12

_Guess who’s back? Hint: He’s amazing._ _J Right answer gets coffee and a ride to work_

She grinned as she read it and typed her response. _So easy! welcome back to patrol, Garcia! How was Florida?_

Hailey waited to see the 3 dots letting her know that Jay was responding but her screen only changed when the word ‘delivered’ appeared under her text. She grimaced for a second before pushing the comforter off of her and got out of bed to start the day. She’d showered the night before so getting ready this morning was easy and took no time. Grabbing her phone from her newly made bed she saw no update from Jay. She sighed as she headed down the stairs to her kitchen ready to brew a large cup of coffee. The lack of response from her partner was bothering her. She was leaning over her kitchen island, listening to the coffee brew while staring at her phone.

A knock at her door was startling but she walked to the door quickly, happily surprised and just a little bit confused to see Jay standing there.

“Who’s Garcia?”

Hailey chuckled as she stepped backward, allowing him in. The door closed and she reached for one of the coffee cups in his hands. The one that he then held away , high above her head.

“Aht, not so fast there---Garcia?” He waggled his eyes at her exaggeratedly and looked at her expectantly.

Hailey reached for it, laughing while answering “Patrolman Garcia—took his family on vacation to Florida. Damnit, Jay!” He wasn’t handing over the coffee.

“My feelings are hurt.” He huffed and walked in to the kitchen. She followed and he noticed the full cup of coffee sitting in the machine on the counter. “Okay, last chance.” He held the cups to his chest now. “And if you don’t get the answer right this time, you get your pod created swill and _I_ get _2_ cups of the Dark Magic.” He cleared his throat as Hailey, grinning, settled down in front of him. Her hands were folded in front of her as she schooled her features, showing him that she was going to take this seriously.

She nodded. “Okay, I got this. I’m ready.”

“Guess who’s back. No hints this time.” He lifted his chin away from her in a show of dramatic defiance.

Hailey’s hands came together in front of her nose. “Okay…if the hint is the same,” she smirked. “I think it was ‘he’s amazing’ ----soooo, considering my partner’s been out on a UC case….”

He put down the coffees on the island and gestured for her to continue. “Aaaaand….?”

Her smirk doubled in size and changed to a grin. “AND he’s also pretty amazing…” she faux conceded and gave a slight eye roll. “Is it you? It’s you, isn’t it? I got it right this time, right?”

His mouth puckered as he mulled over her response. Jay released a deep breath while he gave his answer. “Yeah you got it.” He chuckled facetiously, grinning.

Lightly, Hailey clapped her hands like a game show contestant and happily accepted the cup he pushed toward her. She popped the lid and inhaled. “Mmmmm, thank you.” She sipped and walked around the counter to stand beside him.

“Not a problem,” he smiled and threw her a quick wink as he sipped from his own cup. “Best way to start a cold morning and a long day at work.”

Hailey cocked her head and blinked, repeating his words. “Best way?”

Jay did a near double take at the look on her face, soft eyes but a glint of…want? Lust? He swallowed and put the coffee down as Hailey did the same and pushed both cups out of the way. She stepped in front of him and with her hands behind her on the counter, pushed up so that she now sat on it, in front of her partner.

A small smirk was on Jay’s face as he stepped forward to close the space between them. “Well, ‘best’ might be an over-statement.”

“Uh huh,” she smiled as he came closer.

He stopped for a second and pulled back. “You got up on that counter pretty easily. How many times—“

“Shut up,” she laughed and with a hand fisting his shirt pulled so that he leaned forward, falling into her kiss.

“Missed you” she murmured in to his kiss.

“Yeah?” He pulled back, smirking. “How much?”

His hands were at her waist and hers stroked his biceps up and down through his coat. “How ‘bout we talk about that tonight? Here, after work?”

Jay nodded, liking the offer. “Yeah, that’ll work.” He leaned back to her, kissing her again, willing to get lost in this moment but having a harder time drawing the line that needed to be drawn if they were going to make it to work on time. Or at all.

Hailey’s hands made their way under his coat and dipped in to the waist band of his jeans at his hips. Jay groaned and Hailey nipped at his bottom lip. It was obvious he was going to have to be the responsible one here, the thought almost made him laugh at the absurdity of it.

“Coffee” he said, into her mouth.

“Hm?” She was busy taking what she wanted at the moment, kissing him deeply and feeling the warm skin of his hips and sides under her palms.

“Coffee,” he repeated, finding the strength from somewhere and pulling back. “Work.” He stared at her, wishing he’d shown up here an hour earlier. “if I can get my brain back on track enough to drive.”

She smiled and bent her head to his chest. “Sorry. Got a little carried away.”

“Hey” he looked down at her as she lifted her head. “We’re just pressing pause here.”

Her smile broadened a bit and after a few seconds she sighed and hopped down from the island. “So coffee and a ride to work?”

“Get your coat.” He grinned as she moved past him, purposely hip checking him as she did.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's gotta learn to let it go

Hailey had had enough of this asshole. He was responsible for the kidnapping, rape and murder of 4 teenage girls that they knew of, with a 5th having been identified as missing. He thought he could sit in this interview and be glib, joke around, and treat his accusation as if it was nothing. He was wrong, so incredibly wrong. She stood fast and grabbed his shirt collar roughly, fingers digging in to his skin, and growling lowly in his ear through gritted teeth. “Where is she?! You think this is funny? Funny to steal someone from their family? Why, because you didn’t have one???!!"

Jay was up immediately, grabbing for her as she released her hold. “I’m fine,” she told him, fighting to get herself back on track “I’m fine.”

The door opened while Hailey was taking a deep breath, trying to settle herself back down.

“Detective Upton.” She closed her eyes briefly hearing Hank’s voice. He hadn’t asked for her, just said her name. She looked to Jay knowing he too was frustrated that this guy wasn’t giving them anything; Difference was he wasn’t getting called out of the room. He hadn’t acted out of his frustration. As she exited, she passed Kim who was taking her place. Hailey bit her bottom lip, sucking on it a bit as the door closed and it was just her and Hank in the hallway.

He didn’t say anything, just nodded toward the observation room. She followed, waiting for him to lay in to her. He didn’t. Instead they stood, watching Jay and Kim continue to get nowhere.

Hailey’s mind whirled, thinking about what she’d done, what her boss would say, and when he’d say it. When she couldn’t take it any longer she ran a hand through her hair and spoke. “Sarge, I know I lost it in there and—“

“Hailey,” he continued looking straight ahead. “You were out of line but it wasn’t anything the rest of us haven’t done. Only thing is I want to know is, were you done?”

She glanced at what he saw through the glass then back to him, uncertain of what he was asking. “Sarge?”

“If Jay hadn’t been there, if I hadn’t pulled you out…if it was just you and Baldwin…would you have stopped, or would you have kept going at him.”

She hadn’t thought about it. She wanted desperately to find the 5th girl, find her alive, and he wasn’t talking. She knew yelling at him, pulling on him, they wouldn’t do anything to help the case. She knew better, would have to plan better if there was a next time.

She swallowed hard before sourly conceding, “I’d have stopped. It wasn’t gonna help.”

“Hm” he grunted, not saying anything further.

They continued to watch the interview until it was over. When Jay and Kim stood, she and Voight exited the room, him telling the patrol officer that had arrived he could take Baldwin down to holding.

“Hey, where’d that blonde chick go?” Baldwin leered as he was cuffed and brought out to the hall. His voice carried down to the mouth of the bullpen where Jay and Hailey stood. “I _liked_ _her_. Bring her back, let her put her hands on me again.” He laughed. “Maybe I’ll tell her something.”

He was pushed faster and farther down the hallway but they’d heard it all. Jay caught his partner’s eye as they flicked to him and her face brightened.

“NO,” his answer came firmly. “We’re not gonna even talk about it.” He turned and headed back for his desk with Hailey behind him. She waited until they were seated across from each other.

“Listen, I’ll run it past Voight, but if I can get in with him and—“

Jay continued to type, eyes never going to her, never leaving his screen, as he interrupted. “Not happening.”

“ **Jay** , it might be the only way to get this guy,” She leaned forward, her whisper loud enough for him to hear but no one else. “We don’t have anything else.”

He sighed heavily and finally looked to her, not wavering in the face of her blue eyes, deep and wide, imploring him to agree with her. “Hailey? We’re gonna get this asshole. But we’re not gonna play his games. I’m not on board and I can guarantee Voight won’t be either.”

He was so matter of fact about it and it pissed her off. Immediately her eyes hardened as she squinted. “Guess we’ll just have to see about that, huh.” Challenging, she stood and strode the few steps toward their Sergeant’s office.

Jay leaned back in his chair and turned a bit to watch her go. He was resigned not to go along with this and hoped their boss would take the same stance. She disappeared inside the office and he gave a short shake of his head, hoping she’d come back to her desk calmer, her bubble burst, and seeing more clearly. He went back to typing up the report he was working on but kept an eye and ear out toward the office.

“Are you serious?” Voight didn’t even try to keep the incredulity out of his voice as he leaned back all the way in his chair. He had a hard time believing that she ever thought he’d go along with her idea.

She threw a quick glance over her shoulder at the open door and kept her voice steady. “Sarge. We just need to get the location, and if I can get that by questioning him again, be a little handsy, I’m just saying I think it’s worth a try.”

“It’s not,” he retorted immediately. “We’re not giving this prick anything he wants, not to even think he’s getting it. We’ve got CI’s working the neighborhoods, Adam and Kevin are double checking pod and traffic footage….we’ll get him Hailey. Without putting you with him.”

She was thinking fast. “5—10 minutes is all I want—“

“No.” His answer was firm, his eyes matching it. “Are we really gonna keep talking about it?”

Hailey worked to control her breathing and keep her emotions off her face. Rolling her lips inward she then pursed them and gave a short, begrudging “No.”

“Okay then,” he waved a pen toward the door indicating her dismissal.

She didn’t move immediately. She felt behind in time, just by a few seconds, but when she could finally move, she did-- Right to her desk, grabbed her jacket, and purposely not looking at Jay who had stopped what he was doing as she walked up. He’d purposely overheard the last bit of the conversation.

“Grabbing lunch” was all she said as she pulled her hair out the back.

“Want some company?” he was hopeful she wasn’t seeing him as the enemy here.

“Not really. Back soon.” Her face didn’t give away anything, not even to him. To anyone else she was simply taking a lunch break. But Jay wasn’t anyone else. He watched her disappear down the stairs and reached for his phone.

 _Breathe_.He texted. _We’ll find a way_

The word ‘read’ appeared under his words a few minutes later and he followed up.

 _Bring me back a sandwich?_ He chuckled a bit hoping she wouldn’t be angry that he was trying to lighten things up.

He thought he was successful when she texted back a simple, _we’ll see._

Hailey sat in her car and absently picked at the salad she’d grabbed. The sub she’d gotten for Jay sat on her passenger seat. Baldwin’s words trampled through her brain, _Maybe I’ll tell her something._ It was a long shot and she knew it, chances were high that he was lying, just wanted to satisfy some kind of need, but _what if_ …? Wasn’t it worth it worth giving him that little bit, if she could get the information they wanted? The idea not to follow Voight’s order shouldn’t have taken up any of her time or brain space, but he wasn’t perfect, he could be wrong. Sitting around waiting for Baldwin’s movements to be backtracked, hoping a CI would come through with a tip, could take a long time. Baldwin was going down for the 4 girls they knew he’d killed, but this 5th girl, Lauren Taylor, she might still be alive. They might be able to help her.

Hailey put the plastic top back on her salad and tossed it beside Jay’s sandwich. She put her car in gear and headed back to the 21st.

Jay came up from the tech room to find a wrapped sub on his desk, and a post-it note on top. He noticed one of his favorite pens had migrated over to Hailey's desk and lay beside the stack of sticky notes she'd used. _You’re just harder to put up with when you’re hungry_. He chuckled at the note thinking she was one to talk. He was holding it as he looked around, saw Hailey’s coat bunched up on her chair, and the papers on her desk had been neatened a bit. “Anyone see Upton?”

Atwater looked up from the file he was reading through. “She headed downstairs not too long ago. Didn’t catch her destination.”

Jay nodded, suddenly feeling a bit uneasy at her absence. He put down the sub—it could wait---and took a few hesitant steps toward the staircase. _She wouldn’t_.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey takes a risk.

“Hey Trudy,” Hailey smiled at the Sergeant and put an arm up on the tall desk. “Umm, what cell is Mike Baldwin in?”

“Baldwin…,” Trudy murmured as she typed. “94.” She lifted her head from the screen and smiled a rare smile. “Real winner, huh?”

Hailey scoffed in agreement and rolled her eyes a bit as her arm rolled off the desk. “Thanks.”

Trudy went back to work as Hailey turned the corner and made her way down to holding. She walked along the row of cells, slowing as she entered the hall of 80-100. Logically she knew this wasn’t a smart move, that it should be grating against her sense of right and wrong, that she shouldn’t be going against Voight’s order…but Baldwin’s words trampled everything else, _Maybe I’ll tell her something_. She had to at least try.

She was at cell 90 when she paused. It was empty and she stood still noticing how her heart was racing in her chest. She bit her lower lip as it rolled inward, took in a deep breath and straightened her posture. She was here. She’d go forward and try. Worst case, she’d leave empty handed.

“Hey Trudy, seen Hailey?” Jay walked up to the desk and scanned the lobby for the long blonde hair of his partner.

“Few minutes ago,” Trudy didn’t look up from her work and waved in the direction that she’d gone. “Cell 94.”

His brow furrowed. “Cell 94?” _Please, please, please don’t be…_

“She was looking for someone in holding. Baldwin, I think.”

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. _Shit_.

Trudy noticed and stopped her work, instantly concerned. “Jay? What’s going on?”

He groaned a bit before answering. “It’s good Trudy. Don’t want to get you involved.” At her stern look he modified. “If I need you, I’ll let you know.” He tapped twice on the desk with his palm and headed down to holding.

Trudy watched him go, blinked and picked up the phone, pushing a button. She didn’t know what was happening but she had a soft spot for Hailey Upton and damn if she wasn’t going to at least give and get a heads up. “Martinez. Hey, yeah…listen, keep an eye and ear out around 94…..because I’m telling you to. Send a patrolman for a stroll down that hallway. Let me know if anything’s up.”

Hailey approached Cell 94. It was quiet, the man inside lying flat on his back, an arm over his eyes. At the quiet footsteps that stopped outside his cell he peeked out and smiled wide at what he saw.

“Hey there blondie.” He sat up and leaned forward toward her.

Hailey’s arms were folded at her chest and her expression was flat. “You said you might want to talk to me. I’d love for you to tell me—“

He chuckled lowly. “Know what I’d love? A repeat of upstairs. When you pulled at my shirt, whispered in my ear…” A salacious grin spread over his face while Hailey expertly kept the disgust off of hers.

“You want my hands? I want your information.”

He looked at her and smirked. “Nahhh, I know I’m fucked in here. Heading out to Statesville at some point, and who knows when I’ll have a hot blonde put her hands on me again. You want me to talk? I get your hands first. Otherwise…” he motioned behind him at the spot he’d been resting on. “I can just go back to sleep.”

Hailey swallowed and weighed her lack of options. She could do what he wanted and hope for the best or not and leave, certain she’d get nothing. She grimaced a bit as she pulled at the front of her jeans, pulling them up a bit as she bent down to sit at the bars.

Baldwin slithered forward and sat in front of her, grinning. “I’m a nice guy y’know. Prove it to you, when I left that girl, she was alive. She wasn’t happy but she was taken care of.”

Hailey’s eyebrow lifted a bit as she processed the information. “Who’s taking care of her while you’re gone?”

“Uh-uh-uh,” he wagged a finger. “C’mon, gimme your hand…” He cajoled.

Her lips were flattened against each other and she exhaled through her nose. Haltingly she put a hand through the bars, her fingers extending barely an inch to the other side.

“Other one too….”

Hailey’s other hand slipped through the bars as well.

She never got the chance to reach for Baldwin’s shirt as he grabbed for her hands, still grinning. “Bitch.” He grabbed her wrists and yanked hard. Hailey was caught completely unprepared and wasn’t on the defensive; her head slammed forward in to the metal bars. She slumped sideways to the floor. Baldwin sat still and smiled, watching the swelling on her forehead start to form and the slit from where her skin split began to leak blood.

Jay was nearing the cell block hallway for when he met up with an officer on patrol.

“Hey man,” Jay greeted absently.

The officer nodded and Jay noticed they were heading the same way. “94?” Jay asked.

“Yeah, got a call to check it out.”

A sudden thud resonated down the hall, something colliding hard with metal. Jay was ahead of the officer and running fast. He turned the corner to 80-100 and saw his partner on the ground up ahead.

“ **Hailey**!”

He was to her in seconds, his eyes landing briefly on the man lying on his cot, arm over his eyes, before staying on Hailey. There was a goose egg discoloring the skin on her forehead and a puddle of dark blood stemming from the cut, drowning her hair and turning it dark where it lay on the floor. 

The young patrolman was a second behind Jay and was trying to take in the scene when Jay yelled, “Call it in!”

“I think she tripped.” Offered the offender behind bars.

Jay tuned him out while the officer was calling out the incident and requesting the ambulance to their location immediately.

He gently pulled Hailey’s head to his lap and felt for a pulse. He let out a breath of relief as he closed his eyes and thanked whatever it was that he may or may not believe in that he felt it under his fingers.

Jay pushed the bloodied hair off her face and held her gently. “It’s okay, Hailey, you’re gonna be okay.” He whispered over and over, still doing so when his unit, officers and paramedics swarmed the hallway minutes later.

He was pushed back from her as the paramedics took over, and could only watch as they took her vitals, assessed the injuries and transferred her to the stretcher.

“Taking her to Med. You riding along?” the paramedic in charge asked him.

Jay nodded, as he noticed Voight standing at the end of the small crowd that parted as the paramedics took Hailey out.

“Sarge… I don’t…I didn’t…” Jay looked lost, felt lost at the situation.

“Jay,” his boss put a hand to his shoulder. “Go. The rest of us, we’ll meet you at Med.”

He nodded his thanks and left to join Hailey in the ambulance.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Hailey meets with Baldwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Vanessa in this story. No particular or negative reason.

Hank Voight was in his typical quiet, crisis mode. All business. The phone was to his ear and even knowing the person on the other end couldn’t see him, he nodded. “Okay Jay. Stay with her and keep me updated. I’ll be there soon.”

He hung up and stepped back to the officer in front of the monitor bank. “Okay, go ahead.”

The officer typed in a command and the monitor Hank was watching began to play the black and white footage of Hailey approaching the cell. He noted her hesitation before approaching the cell, focused on her sliding down to the floor, one hand slipping through the bars followed by the other. Baldwin grabbed her fast and hard, yanked her forward. Hank was glad there was no audio to go with the footage but even without it he could imagine the sound of her head hitting the steel bars and he winced. The last few seconds played of Hailey on the ground as Jay and a patrolman ran up. “Okay, I got it. Thanks.” Voight grimaced as he replayed the footage in his mind.

The ride in the ambulance had been thankfully uneventful. Hailey was still unconscious but according to the paramedics and various machines she was hooked up to, all of her vitals were stable. Jay simply sat beside her, her hand in his as he watched her intently, willing her to wake up.

Once inside the ED bay at Med he walked beside the gurney as she was wheeled through, green lit right to trauma for the head injury. He was kindly dismissed and sent to the waiting area, a path he knew well but it seemed wrong for him to leave her. Jay knew logically that the medical team needed to assess her, treat her, make her better he hoped, naively, but it seemed like his place should have been with her or at the very least near her. He would have settled for sitting in the corner of the room, even the hallway outside the door but he was directed, kindly but firmly by the nurse and he finally went. Kim, Adam and Kevin all showed up, sat with him, offered support, food and coffee. “No, really, thanks” and “No, I’m good,” seemed to come out of him on repeat. He could function, talk, see the waiting room fill and empty with people, but in his mind he could only think of Hailey. He varied between anger at what she’d done, _so fucking stupid, what the hell were you thinking? **Were** you even thinking? Nothing was worth doing that, risking that, look where it got you_….. and sympathy, knowing what it was like when all you wanted to do was help, make it better, do whatever it took to get to what you believed was right. The problem he always came up against when his thoughts took that route was yeah, he understood it because he’d been there, done that so many times; But it wasn’t Hailey. Reserved, take no crap, call-it-as-she-sees-it Hailey would never do this, would shake her head and roll her eyes at a story about someone who’d done what she had. He couldn’t see her thinking this way, and it unnerved him on a different level than the worry about her injuries.

It seemed like hours that he sat in the waiting room before Dr.Choi walked in.

“Hey everyone… Jay” Choi greeted quietly as he walked up to the detective and the unit.

Jay quickly stood, anxiety wafting off him in waves. “Hey, what’s the word?”

Ethan nodded and gave a cautious smile. “She’s gonna be fine. It’s slightly concerning that she’s not conscious yet, but there’s no medical reason that she’s not. We’re gonna give her some time on that. Her CT scan is clear but the head can be tricky.” He paused, allowing Jay to process his words. “She’s gonna be sore for a few days but we were able to control the bleed on her forehead and glue the wound closed.”

“So no stitches?” Hailey would be glad to know that, he mused.

“No. All in all, she’s incredibly lucky.”

Jay nodded and felt his body relax just a bit. “When can I see her?”

“How do you feel about now?” The doctor smiled at him.

The team made sure he was good if they left, offered more support and shoulder squeezes before they did. Kim stepped up and surprised him, giving him a hug as Adam stood by and watched. “She’s gonna be okay,” she whispered to Jay, who nodded, still somewhat caught of guard by her gesture. He glanced at Adam who offered a small smile. Kim was amazing in so many ways, this was just one of them. A true friend with a kind heart, both empathetic and sympathetic. She pulled back and wiped at her eyes. “And when she’s really better, like all the way, tell her I’m gonna kick her ass.”

“Oh-kay then” Adam chuckled as hestepped forward and put a guiding hand on Kim’s arm. “Let us know what you need man. You know we’re here.”

“Thanks.” He nodded, his mood momentarily lightened by Kim. He knew what she meant. Fully.

He’d been sitting by her bedside for the past 40 minutes, watching her. She looked peaceful. He’d seen her sleep before, but those times were couched in freezing vans, huddled in her coat as they took turns grabbing 20-30 minutes when they could. This sleep looked more restful, more serene.

At the hour mark Will checked in. “Hey,” he greeted his brother softly, a concerned look on his face as he looked over to the woman in the bed. “I saw her name on the board… What happened?”

Jay opened his mouth, taking in a long breath and shook his head a little. It was too much to explain. Thankfully, Will got the message.

“Never a dull moment, huh?”

Jay scoffed lightly as he rubbed a hand over his face. “Dull moment, what’s that?”

Will smirked. “You should look it up. Try and get a few.”

Jay nodded and chuckled, raising his eyebrows.

He gave a small smile to his brother before looking back over to Hailey. “How’s she doing?”

Jay sat up a bit straighter and rubbed the palms of his hands along his thighs.

“Seems okay. A few nurses have been in, and Choi about 10 minutes ago. Said he wants to keep her for observation for a while when she wakes up, but other than that, if she’s good then she’ll go home tonight.”

“What about you--How’re _you_ doing?”

He shrugged and let out a sigh. “Honestly? Not sure yet,” Jay admitted. “I think I’m good? Knowing she’s okay is a huge relief obviously but…there’s just more that’s not gonna be so easy…”

Will didn’t ask for clarification, knowing his and Hailey’s partnership/friendship/whatevership was murky. So he simply nodded and offered a smile. “Well, whatever you need, you know I’m here.” He nodded at Hailey. “Goes for her too.”

“I know, Will. Thanks.”

Jay was still sitting by her bed, staving off a yawn and rubbing at his face, when he heard the sheets rustle. He looked toward the sound and saw Hailey squirming a bit and raise a hand to her head.

“Hey-hey-hey, it’s okay,” he whispered as he took the moving hand in his. “You’re okay.”

She squinted with her eyes closed and croaked, “-’t happened?”

He stood and leaned over her protectively. “Your face was introduced to some metal bars.”

She cleared her throat and took a moment. “Guessing that didn’t go so well.” She opened her eyes slowly before focusing them on Jay and whooshed out a breath. Awake for seconds but already concerned about what he thought of her, how she’d fucked up. Again. “How’s this gonna go?”

The lightest of smirks crossed Jay’s features. “Probably not as bad as this,” his fingers left her hand and grazed her temple. “but still doubt you’ll like it.”

Hailey closed her eyes again and nodded. She figured as much. “Voight?”

“Here earlier. Said he'd be back.”

She bit her lip, keeping in the light groan that threatened, ready to dive right back in to the topic from just seconds ago. Rip the band aid off. The thoughts that settled in her mind weighed a thousand pounds but she asked an equally terrifying question. “…You?”

“I’m right here aren’t I?” He paused but continued to smooth back the hair at her forehead gently. “We’ll talk…but…jesus, you scared me.”

“Wasn’t the plan.” She answered hoarsely. She took a breath. “I feel like I’m saying this a lot lately but…I’m sorry. Really. I just…I wanted to help her--save her--and I thought maybe…”

“That your life was less important?”

The voice came from the doorway and both Hailey and Jay looked over to see their boss walk in.

“How you holding up?” Voight asked, walking up to her bed.

“M’fine.” She tried for a slight smile as she struggled a bit to sit up for him and straighten out a bit. The movement hurt like a bitch and she grimaced.

Hank put a hand on the bed and looked her square in the eye. She was pale, and the straight pink line on her bruised and swollen forehead marred her typically smooth and clear features. But she was okay, and that was where Voight would currently hang his hat for the moment.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” His gruff voice was calm and his face was open and earnest.

Hailey had trouble meeting his eyes, shame bubbling up like a geyser. “Sarge…I know—“

“Later,” he told her. “We’ll definitely have that talk but for now you just rest.”

She wasn’t sure if that made her feel better or not. While dealing with her actions right now wasn’t something she wanted to do, she also wasn’t looking forward to having to wait to deal with them. She nodded and tried to raise her eyebrows to say ‘ok’ but the pain that came when she did made her wince, which was another action that felt just as bad.

“I hear the patient is awake,” Dr.Choi announced as he entered. “How you feeling Hailey?”

“Not too bad” A quick look at her partner caused her to backtrack a bit. “Been better.”

He looked over the now sealed wound on her forehead and the large lump beside it. “Yeah, your noggin took quite a hit there but the good news is it all looks external.” He moved on to checking her vitals, shining a pen light in to her eyes, and updating her chart as he spoke. “We’re gonna keep you around for a bit, run a few tests and if everything looks good you should be home later on tonight.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“I know you were chauffeured in,” he smirked. “and sorry we can’t offer you round trip service, but I don’t want you driving home. We can call you a cab or an uber or--”

“I got her doc.” Jay looked at her and smiled reassuringly.

Choi nodded as he looked to Hailey. It seemed fine with her so he noted the discharge transportation on her chart. “Okay then… I’m gonna go get things set up and one of the nurses’ll be around for you soon.”

Voight spoke up. “I’m gonna head back. Gimme a call tomorrow-- Jay?” he motioned for him to step out with him.

Hailey closed her eyes as the men stepped out in to the hallway.

“Keep an eye on her. Take the morning off. You let me know if you see anything…” His lips twisted around. “if you think she’s—“

“You got it,” he answered quickly. He didn’t want to hear the potential endings to that sentence; too far gone, gonna rationalize her actions, no longer a good fit for intelligence.

As Voight walked away Jay found himself taking a deep breath and walking back in to Hailey’s room.

“It’s bad.” She told him, her tone matter of fact. She wasn’t stupid and she didn’t have amnesia. She knew what she’d done and what’s worse, she realized, she’d done it for nothing. Nothing had been gained for her meeting with Baldwin. He’d played her, gotten whatever thrill he’d been after, and she’d paid the price. Physically, emotionally, now maybe with her job, her partner.

“Let’s talk about it—“

“I don’t want to talk about it later, I want to talk about it now.” The sharp tone made her voice sound much stronger than it was, stronger than she felt. The sharpness also hurt her head, both in creating and in hearing it. Seemingly going against what she’d just said, Hailey closed her eyes and settled her head deeply in to the pillow. It may have seemed that way but really she was bracing herself against what was about to come. She was rebuilding her walls as quickly as she could. This was all on her, there was no doubt about it. And she knew she’d fucked up. Royally. But she didn’t need to feel it. Not if she already knew it.

Jay watched her, could see the compartmentalization happening before him.

“Hey.” His own voice was strong, maybe stronger than it needed to be but she needed to stop. She needed to deal with this and not pack it away. She was the one who helped him learn that.

“Hailey, stop. _Stop_.”

She opened her eyes, and looked at him with less life than she had before. She was flattening emotions, beating them down or away. “Stop.” He took her hand briefly, his tone now soft but still strong.

“You’re gonna have to face this, face Voight, but…” he swallowed hard. “I’m with you.”

She looked at him, wishing hard that she could be what he wanted her to be right now. Someone strong, someone who would fight for herself. But she wasn’t. She wanted to be but didn’t want to disappoint him. He’d already lost so much in his life and been so hurt. One thing Hailey was sure of in this moment was that she would never be that to him.

Her mouth quirked to the side a bit as she answered him honestly. “Jay—I wish I could. I’ll take whatever comes my way but…” she turned her hand over and gripped his so that she held his hand, and shook her head gently. “You’re not coming along for the ride.”

Jay watched her intently for a moment. Then he scoffed and backed up to sit in his chair again. “Yeah—good luck with that.”

Hailey looked at him, confused. With everything he’d been through in as long as she’d known him, she thought he would have been glad to know she wasn’t going to involve him in her mess.

He continued. “Sorry,” he said with a wry smile. “You should already know this—I go where you go.”

She swallowed and still stared, not minding how the tension between them ratcheted up levels in seconds.

He stared back, his smile fading as he thought that maybe he shouldn’t have said that, that it could lead to the unmasking of his real feelings. “We’re partners,” he managed to get out. “It’s what we do, right?”

Hailey continued to stare a few extra seconds before turning her head and taking a breath.

“Partners.” She repeated to the wall.

They sat in silence for the few minutes it took for the nurse to arrive with a wheelchair, ready to take Hailey for the tests Dr.Choi ordered.

Grimacing slightly she moved from the bed and sat in the chair.

"She'll be back in about 40 minutes." The nurse spoke to Jay.

"Jay..." Hailey shook her head at him.

He got her message, knew she was saying he didn't have to stay. "I'll be right here when you get back."


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey is discharged. Unfortunately for her, she won't be left alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty short but working through the rest of the story. Editing is no fun.

Hailey’s tests came back clear and she was released to Jay’s care later on that night.

Jay slid the truck in to the empty spot outside her place and turned the ignition off. Hailey looked at him and quietly thanked him for the ride home.

“Oh you’re not getting rid of me that easily.” He looked at her like she really _had_ hit her head. “You’re forgetting who my brother is…”

There was no way he was shirking the duties Choi had given him officially or the ones he knew Will would be up his ass about if he didn’t follow through with them. Not that he'd need either of them to tell him what to do tonight. A glance at who sat beside him and he knew it was never even a question. He was staying.

“You’re forgetting that I don’t have a concussion, that I’m ok.”

“ _You’re_ forgetting that I’m stubborn—and that now I have your emergency spare key.” He smirked. “I’m coming in.”

Hailey closed her eyes in defeat and smirked herself. “Fine.”

She got ready for bed and turned her alarm off. Jay told her he was here for the night and through the early afternoon. She groaned and tried to roll her eyes but the action hurt her head.

He disappeared and returned moments later with two motrin and a bottle of water.

“See?” He offered them and she took them begrudgingly. “You need me.”

She pulled her knees to her chest while on her bed and took what he gave her. She held the bottle while trying not to think about her first day back from New York, as she’d kissed him and touched him, and wished that they’d made it up here. But now here they were--different circumstances and she felt an emptiness inside her as she wondered if she'd ever get that opportunity again.

Jay couldn’t gauge her look, tell her thoughts as her face was void of any tells. His mouth twisted a bit as he looked away and around, remembering the last time he was in here, when he'd held her through the night and slept beside her. The memory was inspiring and he moved to the other side of the bed and began to take off his shirt.

Hailey looked over to him as he did and wondered what he was doing.

The belt buckle came next followed by his shoes, socks and pants.

“What are you doing?” Her words questioned but her tone didn’t. She knew what he was doing, but was surprised that he still wanted to be here with her after what she’d done.

He sat beside her and pulled his own knees up. “How many times do I have to say it? I’m with you. Not going anywhere.”

She sighed and looked down at her knees, trying to not allow the warmth of his body, the closeness of him to calm her but failing.

“I’m okay, Jay.” Her voice was a whisper.

His fingers found her chin and turned her face toward him. He glanced at her forehead before meeting her eyes. “Physically, sure.”

She got it like she always did with him. He was here if she wanted to talk.

He got serious then. “And—I think, for some reason, you need a reminder…”

That got her attention and she gave him a quizzical look.

“That you and me, we’re starting something. And I want to see how it goes. With you. I’m not checking out just because you screwed up.”

Her eyes searched his, disbelieving.

“You never gave up on me, Hailey. I’m not giving up on you.” He shrugged as if it was obvious.

It wasn’t really making a lot of sense to her, the things he was saying, but she was so happy to hear it. For as strong as she was, had made herself, she needed to hear the words or she might not ever really believe.

Slowly she moved to him and put her lips against his. He worked his against her and it wasn’t long before her tongue was teasing against his lips as her hands worked the skin on his chest before moving downward.

“Hey,” It was one of the most difficult things he’d had to do, stopping this. “I’m all in for this, but how bout waiting a bit till this heals up.” He brushed a finger across her forehead and got a hiss in return. “See?”

He pulled her down with him and under the blankets. “There’s no rush.” He kissed her again before she settled down beside him, curling in to him.”

It was quiet in the room so Jay heard her whisper like it was said out loud. “Thank you Jay. I’m glad you’re here.”

He smiled and kissed her hair, holding her a bit tighter as they drifted off to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

In the morning, Jay found Hailey at the kitchen island, absently staring into her cup of coffee. A bottle of motrin in front of her.

“Morning,” he offered cheerily as he pulled the shirt over his head.

“Hey,” she offered in return. “Coffee’s there.” She pointed to the counter and took a breath.

He walked toward it, stopping briefly to squeeze her shoulder and kiss the top of her head. She was obviously down but he didn’t miss how she leaned in to him. It made him smile on the way to grab his coffee. Once poured he turned around and leaned back against the corner.

“So what’s on the agenda today?”

“Spoke to Voight.” She swirled the coffee around in the mug.

“And?”

“Going in to talk to him later.” She looked up at him. “Can I ride in with you?”

His brow furrowed and he put the cup on the island. “Yeah” he drew out in moderate confusion. He leaned forward across the island ”But, Hailey…“That’s kinda soon, isn’t it? You may want to take some time—“

“To do what? Build the meeting up in my head? Come up with some reason that’ll explain what I did?” She hadn’t meant to be sharp with him and she closed her eyes to rein herself back in. She’d had the same conversation in her head for 45 minutes before giving up and calling her boss.

Jay stood and put his hands up in surrender. “Hey, sorry. I just think it’s kinda quick.”

She looked at him and sighed. Slowly she turned off of the stool and went to him. He turned to meet her. and her hands held his hips, feeling the jeans under her fingers. She lay her nose gently against his chest before looking up at him. “Sorry. I just—putting time in front of it isn’t gonna make it better. I’d rather just get it done and know what I’m dealing with.”

She actually had an idea of what she’d be dealing with. Hank had been clear when she came back; She was on pretty thin ice to begin with ,and now with this she was sure she heard cracking underneath her feet. And she had only herself to blame.

He looked at her before nodding, getting what she meant. He didn’t like it but he understood. 

"C'mere." Jay pulled her gently to him in a hug and they stood that way easily.

After a moment she pulled back, stood on tip toe and kissed him. A small smile played on her features as she turned back to her coffee. It was quickly replaced by a grimace as she tasted the now cold drink.

“How’s the head?”

She scoffed and raised a finger to touch it lightly, trying not to wince as she brushed against the tender skin. “Getting better.”

“After a day?” Jay challenged from over the rim of his cup.

“Every day that it’s not hit with a metal bar is a day it gets better.” She shot back.

Jay nodded and pursed his lips in to a smirk. “Oh-kay then.” He raised his eyebrows and put down his coffee cup. “So we have the morning…how bout we get outta here, head down to the Riverwalk, get some air. Breakfast's on me.”

Hailey thought about it. As much as she didn’t want to go out, the thought of being home, even with Jay, for the next few hours seemed like a depressing way to spend her time. Time spent just sitting and waiting around to hear Hank yell at her. While she doubted their boss had given them, or really Jay, the morning off to play tourist, she was game. Hailey turned on a half-smile. “I’ll get ready.”

“You got any idea how stupid you were yesterday!? How stupid that stunt was?!”

Hank started the meeting with guns blazing.

She opened her mouth to speak but Hank didn’t like the hesitation before she did.

“Don’t think about it, Hailey. Gimme the real reason if you know it. If you don’t, say so, don’t make it up.”

He watched her shoulder begin to rise, and continued on to stop her from giving some bullshit answer that they’d both regret.

“I’ve watched that tape a hundred times, Hailey. That was never gonna go anyway but bad. You could have been killed. The fact that you came out of with a goose egg and a glued up cut doesn’t mean anything other than you got _lucky_. _”_ He stopped and regarded her with a serious look. “And luck runs out.”

She took advantage of the lull. “Sarge, I really just thought…if I could get that location—“

Hank shook his head dismissively. “That’s what you’re telling yourself but that ain’t it Hailey.”

Her boss came around the desk to sit on its corner and face her. “Listen—You think I don’t know what this is about, but I do. I get it. I’ve been where you are, was there a long time. You feel like you’re doing good, and maybe,” he rubbed at his mouth. “maybe in some areas you are—but not for you. You’re the one who takes the brunt—you’ll take it on the inside and hate yourself, take it when you’re found out and the people who love and trust you see what you've done and judge you for it, you may even have to pay a price bigger than any of that.” He gestured that anything could happen.

“Sarge—“ She shook her head about to dispute what he was saying, not wanting to get in to the whys. She knew them well enough, had been to therapy for them, and hated herself for still deciding to act despite it.

She told people that her family life was complicated because it was. Yes, her father did the things he did, and she often glossed over the memories of the specifics—yes he could be good and kind and funny too, but the things he did when he wasn’t those things… even as a child Hailey bucked against the fact that nothing happened to him as a result. She was punished when she did something wrong, hurt someone, so why wasn’t he? She couldn’t figure out an answer and it always, always nagged at her.

She’d grown and matured and came to understand life, that it wasn’t fair, and that justice often went unserved. She’d been able to deal with that, make peace with it; it drove her to the police academy and a career doing her part to get the bad guys off the street. To drive them toward their punishment.

And she had done well, enjoying her life, her career, how she did it, and what she and it stood for---- until Cameron died.

Something snapped inside of her after that. Not when he was killed in front of her, but when the known if not proven man who ordered the kill, was allowed to walk free. She was disappointed in her boss, in her team for not being more aggressive in bringing him in, but in the end she very bitterly came to terms with it. Or came close anyway.

As she and Jay sat in the car, watching Darius drive toward the buy they’d set up, she seethed at the situation, not caring that she wasn’t covering her feelings well at all. _Moving on him with drug charges would still put him in jail_. _It 's the least of what he deserved._ Ultimately, she didn’t care what he was charged with and had been honest with Jay when she told him her thoughts, of how easy it would be to simply move on Darius with the drugs in his possession. “30 years is 30 years”, she’d told him and meant it wholeheartedly.

Hailey had allowed Jay to talk her down right after, though he didn’t know how close she’d come to ignoring his advice, to putting her foot to the floor, driving up, and busting Darius on her own. The rest of the team would have no choice but to move too and back her. They’d be pissed and she’d get a reprimand in her file, maybe be benched for a bit or even suspended, but Darius would be charged and her part would be done. She’d have made sure the man who orchestrated Cam’s death would pay for what he’d done.

Instead, she blinked through her feelings after Jay used his knowledge of her against her, telling her what she’d do, what she’d tell him if their roles were reversed. She trusted Jay implicitly, and in that moment it was an easy call to make-- it was easier to trust in him, easier to follow him, than to trust herself.

But it hadn’t gone that way, it wasn’t easier at all. The fact that she let it play out gnawed at her and she was left for too long with an aching pit inside of her, one that she couldn’t fill with anything that she tried.

In the end, she’d done her part to send Darius to meet his justice. And he lay dead on the pool table, having died a far more savage death than Hailey had ever imagined. She was shocked by the scene for the first few seconds but she quickly made peace with it and a look of indifference took over her face. She couldn’t smile on the outside while at the scene, realized later she had trouble smiling on the inside as well, but it was a small price to pay for having Darius pay for what he’d done.

Hank had found her afterward, given her a speech about the dangers of turning off her emotions. God, she’d been trying to do exactly that. It was just taking so long.

And the feelings that Jay brought out in her didn’t help. She consistently felt conflicted—feel what Jay brought out in her or feel nothing at all. She felt like she was doing 180s throughout each day.

“You listening, Hailey? Am I boring you?” Hank’s tone was sharp as she realized she’d drifted during his speech.

Her head tilted briefly as she caught up then shook her head as best she could. “No sir, I’m right here with you.”

“Control’s a tricky thing. It’s not something you’re in charge of no matter how carefully you plan it, there’s always gonna be variables you don’t know about.”

“I got it Sarge, I get it.” She was telling the truth. Logically, she understood it all. The application was what she was having trouble with.

“Let’s see about that. You’re riding your desk till further notice.”

She tried to hide the sigh that escaped and cover it with an accepting smile. This was Voight handing out her own punishment.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's dealing with the consequences. Or is she.

Hailey glanced over her shoulder, and smiled lightly at the team as they came upstairs. They looked tired but happy for closing the most recent case. They had already stored their vests and gear downstairs, and now paperwork and the filing of reports would consume the rest of their afternoon. And Hailey’s as she caught whatever she could from their piles to make their loads lighter. Working from her desk, this was pretty much her new everyday. 

She was glad to not be alone in the quiet bullpen anymore, happy for their chatter, razzing and even their groaning over the work that still lay ahead of them. Jay walked past her, putting a hand to her shoulder and squeezing it quickly. She smiled as he wearily took his seat across from her.

“Tough one?”

He groaned and stretched. “Former track stars.”

“They were just--- _gone_!” Ruzek interjected, laughing. “Jay and Kevin were like, ‘where’d they go?’”

“That was just bullshit. There should be a statute or something, if you were ever on the track team you can’t go in to anything illegal. At least nothing that might make you run from the police..”

“Yeah that’d be something.” Hailey snorted. “But you got ‘em?”

“Yeah, we did.” He nodded as her phone began to ring and she reached for it.

Her tone was light, she was still smiling at Jay as she answered, “Upton.”

Jay was still talking with Adam and Kevin about their take-down but caught the minute change in Hailey’s face as she listened to whoever was on the other line.

“Okay, got it. Thanks.” Hailey held back a grimace as she ended the call and avoided eye contact with Jay as she immediately began typing at the computer, her eyes on the screen.

“Hey” he lifted his chin to her. “You good?”

She glanced over to him, offering an assuring, “Yeah.”

He nodded, not fully believing it. Jay looked around the room noticing everyone settling back in to their routines. Slowly he stood and walked around to Hailey, taking a seat on the corner of her desk. “So what was that?” He asked quietly.

“Ummmm,” she took a minute, keeping an eye on the screen and what she was entering before hitting ‘upload’ and closing out the screen. Her eyes now went to her partner. “What was what?”

“Hailey.” He looked at her pointedly, his tone a near warning. “Phone call?”

Her elbow came to rest on her desk as her fingers played with the bottom of her lip. She was thinking. “Coffee?” she indicated toward the kitchen with a nod of her head. Jay quickly looked around again and followed her.

They stood together at the coffee pot as Hailey poured a cup.

“If it was nothing you’d have said so. What was the call about?” He asked again as he rested his lower back against the counter, and accepted the cup she passed to him.

He saw her tongue peek out and wet her bottom lip. She spoke quietly. “My CI, Jorge. He got wind of a girl being offered around...” She returned the pot to the burner and took her cup in her hands, turning and resting against the counter like Jay. One arm crossed in front of her as she sipped from her mug.

“And?”

“And the guy is panicking that his partner got picked up by CPD and hasn’t been back since-- he’s nervous he’s gonna get a finger pointed at him for kidnapping and murder. He’s trying to get out of town, putting out feelers for offers for this girl.” She purposely kept her gaze straight.

“You think it’s Baldwin’s last girl.” He breathed out.

“She’s still alive, Jay.” She gently bit her bottom lip while her eyes were on him, wide with restrained hope. 

“You’re going to Voight now, right?”

The word got stuck in her mouth. She untangled it and nodded. “Yeah….Yeah, of course.”

“Because you know you can’t work this. Right?” he asked rhetorically­­­­, nodding emphatically. “You’re on desk duty for another week. Just one…” The reminder was implicit: Don’t screw up.

“Right. No. I know,” she shrugged. “But Jorge is nervous, only wants to talk to me and not on the phone…”

Was this a joke? “We’re not really having this conversation, right? Cuz I’m telling you right now,” he turned fully toward her. “If you’re not gonna tell Voight, I will.”

“Jay—“

“Seriously. Hailey? I’ll give you 5 minutes, then I’m going in.” His tone and look were deadly serious.

She got the message loud and clear. She dumped the nearly full cup of coffee in the sink. “On my way right now.”

She took a step away before he caught her arm. She looked up to him, seeing that he was hesitating to say something. Hailey tilted her head at him. “What?”

“Just---“ his mouth moved a bit before the words followed. “I don’t want to lose you Hailey. Not at work, not—“ he stopped, not knowing how to say what he wanted to and also knowing this wasn’t the time or place anyway.

As he let go of her arm, she placed her hand on his, and squeezed gently before rubbing up and down softly. “You won’t,” she reassured him. “I—I really am trying.”

He couldn’t say anything so just nodded and huffed out a very small smile, not easily mollified about the topic. It was too big, too important to him.

She dropped her hand and made her way to Voight’s office.

“ **No** —“

She countered. “ _Sarge_ —“

“ **Absolutely not**!” He couldn’t believe she wasn’t kidding, was really standing in front of him asking to move forward with this. “We have this prick on 4 kidnappings and those same 4 murders. We haven’t found the other girl but we have him on those. If your CI has a lead on the girl you kick it over to Missing Persons and give the feds a heads-up. But for you, for this unit, this case is _closed_ , Hailey. Let me be clear, not only are you not pursuing this, you’re gonna _stand down_ , you understand?”

She wanted to argue, to make him understand her position but she knew he wouldn’t. It would just piss him off further. She nodded and shrugged lightly. She got it. They didn’t need the last girl to put him away. She should have been okay with that, that Baldwin was going down. But the thought of that teenager still out there-- she wasn’t okay with it. With her chin slightly down she looked at her boss and wondered how he could be.

Her voice gave away the fact that her fight was gone. “Copy that, Sarge.”

She walked out, resigned to knowing she could have helped but didn’t, to find a way to live with it. She sat heavily at her desk, her eyes darting up for a second to see Jay watching her from his desk. She gave him a mild shrug knowing he already knew the way her conversation with Voight had gone. He’d just wanted her to hear it from their boss. With the receiver in her hand she dialed the first few numbers to Missing Persons, when her own phone distracted her. She purposely kept her eyes on it, reading the text that appeared on the screen, and away from her partner for now.

Slowly, she pushed the remaining numbers on the phone and was quickly connected to missing persons. Hailey spoke quietly, giving the detective who answered the case number and promising an introduction to her CI.

When she hung up it was with a heavy sigh.

“Hey, you good?” Jay asked.

She looked to him now and nodded lightly. “Mm, yeah.” She added a smile to sell her answer. “All good.”


	14. Chapter 14

Hailey made her way back out in to the cold, dark night. Her breath made puffs of vapor as she walked back to her car. The meeting had gone well in that she was leaving the area in one piece, but she hadn’t gotten any solid leads as a result. Jorge was able to give a general description of the guy he’d told her about but not much else--no location, no names. He’d thought he would have had more information by the time they met up but he hadn’t heard anything new. She sighed heavily; this had been a colossal waste of time.

Digging out her phone, she shot a text off to the detective in missing persons. She was stepping off. The case was theirs.

She put her car in gear and pulled out on to the road. The neighborhood was left behind and she’d just merged on to the highway when headlights flashed on behind her. Her brow furrowed for a second as the realization hit; the car had been trailing her on the dark roadand was now letting her know they were there. She let out a deep breath and pushed the pedal closer to floor, increasing her speed along the pavement.

Her awareness was on high as she continually monitored the lights’ location in the rearview mirror-- they were keeping up. There were no turns to be made on the straight patch of road she was on so she pushed the pedal all the way down. She’d have to try and keep them behind her until they reached an area where she had options.

That idea didn’t last two minutes before the lights moved forward, and then to the only lane beside her, creeping farther forward, faster.

Her eyes flicked down at the speedometer, showing she was already pushing the car to its max speed. Her brain clicked into defensive mode but before she could yank the steering wheel to hit it from the side, the car was beside her. Or rather a truck, she realized, a pickup.

Subconsciously, her foot released the gas pedal and she groaned, both relieved and annoyed at the sight of Jay behind the wheel. Thirty seconds later, annoyance kicked relieved out of the way, morphed in to anger, and now that was the only thing she felt. He was gesturing angrily for her to pull over.

Hailey’s mouth was set tight and flat as she tried to keep her emotions in check. Anger and resentment reigned supreme with only a very slight presence of something she wasn’t quite clear on yet. Shame? Disappointment? She couldn’t land on it and pushed it away. She was breathing hard as she pulled off to the side of the road and roughly jerked open the car door. The truck careened to a stop in front of hers, gravel flying around.

Jay did the same as Hailey had, leaving his lights on and pushing his door open. She stood in the cold air watching him stride toward her.

She’d thought he was angry behind the wheel but now that she could see him a bit better she could see he was furious. _Good_ , she seethed. _Even ground_. 

“ _Are you crazy!? I nearly hit you!”_ She started in.

Shaking his head, he ignored her words. “What the hell are you doing Hailey?!”

“ _Me_? What are _you_ doing?” she shot out. “You’re following me?? What, you don’t trust me now?” The look she gave him was one of incredulity.

“That’s not a question I’d ask if I were you.” He retorted hotly, his voice low and clipped. “You won’t like the answer. Not right now.”

She shook her head as her jaw set. Her voice was sharp as she spoke. “You’ve crossed the line Jay.” 

“The line, the _line,_ Hailey? Do you even know what those are anymore--?”

She started to scoff but he continued.

“Were you not in a meeting with Voight earlier?! One where he told you to stand down and leave this case alone? And what, three hours later you’re on the south side of the city doing exactly the opposite?”

She was trying to keep her voice level but the anger coursing through her was making it difficult. “I’m trying to find Lauren Taylor—trying to give her parents some kind of peace, some kind of closure, that’s our _job_. But since you’re so interested? Yeah--- Yeah, I was meeting Jorge. He had a tip and I needed to pay him out.” She again tried to calm herself, taking her eyes off him and turning her head to look at the dirt to the right of his feet. Feeling a bit more in control she met his eyes again, still so angry but wanting to see if he’d understand. “I had to try.”

He squinted a bit. “Pay him ou—“ he muttered back the words as his hands rubbed his face. “With what money, Hailey? You signed _paper_ for this?” That would be the nail in her coffin if she put on paper a use for 1505 funds for a case she wasn’t even on anymore. A case the unit had closed.

The way she looked at him though, he saw the flicker of something as she tried to keep her face blank. “You paid it out?” He breathed. “Your own money?”

Her face didn’t change. “You would’ve done the same thing!” She tried to appeal to his heart, his nature of helping those in need.

Jay was nearly dumbfounded. He pinched the skin between his eyebrows as he closed his eyes and tried to process. Even with his anger at full tilt he was amazed—at her paying out the money, meeting with her CI when she shouldn’t have, at her explanation, at her giving what she thought was a rational reason for her to be out here, to be doing what she was doing. He started to speak but had no words. His mouth opened and closed as he looked her, stupefied. He made a quarter turn backwards, then turned back to her.

“What are you doing?? Do you even hear yourself?! The bullshit coming out of it? Stand down means stop, go home, do anything but work.this.case. Stand down means _Stand.Down_. Nothing else.”

She tilted her head at him, silently asking if he thought she was an idiot.

“I don’t know you right now, Hailey.” He shook his head and put his hand out to her. “This—this person here, deliberately going against Voight’s orders, _direct_ orders, driving out here to meet some…this isn’t you, this isn’t the partner I’ve had for years—“ He was angry but he knew along with that, that the sadness he felt was seeping out in to his voice as well.

Her head worked in short, tight shakes as her hand went up. The words spit out in rapid fire. “No. **No**. You don’t get to say any of that, you’re the one who’s not supposed to be out here!” Her gloved hand swept the air around her. “This had _nothing_ to do with you Jay. You following me tells me everything I need to know about _you_ right now.” 

He purposely took a few deep breaths before speaking, his eyes never leaving her face. And when he spoke his voice was a growl, low and dead serious. “I’m gonna tell you this once. Get in the car, go home, and decide where you go from here Hailey.”

She was taken aback for a second and it showed, both by him telling her what to do like that as well as the veiled threat. “What are you saying, Jay?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“I told you— _today_ —I didn’t want to lose you. _You_ said you weren’t going anywhere.” He shook his head, disbelieving then hissed, “Where do you think this is gonna get you?” His question was rhetorical but it was his face, his eyes, his tone that smashed her anger and nearly broke her heart.

He stared at her nearly daring her to say something else.

“Jay--” It was all she could get out under his look and the feelings that were swirling around her, making all her earlier rationalizations for being out here seem murky.

“Go home Hailey.” He snapped at her before turning abruptly and going to his truck. The door closed loudly and he pulled away.

Hailey watched as his rear lights got smaller in the distance before bracing herself against the cold she’d been standing in. She got in her car, waiting for the blowing heat from the vent to warm her up. That was the only reason she was suddenly so bone chillingly cold, she told herself, as she leaned back against the head rest.

The drive home was filled with thoughts threatening to stomp forward mixed with Jay’s words and tone within them. She pushed them back for as long as she could, blasting music, then purposely switching to a talk radio program whose views she vehemently disagreed with. She argued with the voices on the radio until her car slid in to its spot outside of her condo.

But she didn’t get out.

She couldn’t.

Her thoughts and Jay’s words had barely been kept at bay during the drive but now that she was parked, the silence compelled them forward at full force.

She sat listening to them all, hearing Jay above everything, not just the words he spoke but the way he said them.

She hit the steering wheel hard. “ _Son of a bitch_.” She knew she wasn’t going home yet.

16 minutes later she was parking beside his truck. 3 minutes after that she was banging on the door to his apartment.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone hits the bottom. Will anyone be there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah I messed up the timeline here a bit—my bad. Meant to be a bit longer between the roadside chat and this. Play along? Lol

“What the _hell_ \--“ Jay’s face was a mix of tired, angry, and surprised. “Hailey?!”

He honestly hadn’t expected to see her again tonight. He’d hated leaving her there on the side of the road but had been too angry to do anything else. Within minutes of driving he found himself fighting the urge to turn around, to make sure she was okay. But he made himself stick to the road, trusting her that she’d be fine. Trusting had been a hard word to use in relation to her but he made himself do it.

Once home he wanted to text her, make sure she was okay, but still couldn’t bring himself to do it. If these were the choices she was going to make he’d have to find a way to distance himself from the catastrophe that he knew was looming in front of her. It would hurt too much to stand by and watch, and if he was taking his cues from her correctly, she didn’t seem to mind too much if he wasn’t there for it. There was no way around what was coming, not after New York, not after the meetings she’d had with their boss since then. He allowed himself one call, to a friend outside of their unit and had her phone pinged, to put his mind at ease. He sighed softly when told the ping came back as in motion and the area it was passing through. She’d been nearly home.

Whiskey and beer had kept him company after that, neither doing the job he’d signed them up for: Forgetting or at least, dulling the pain. His feelings ran deep for his partner, and had built up over the course of their friendship. They’d only been recently realized, and given to each other even more so—getting away from them, pretending, was going to be nearly impossible, something he couldn’t imagine being doable. The thought of giving up on Hailey, on ‘them’ made his stomach turn. He couldn’t even think about it anymore. So he worked out intensely which hadn’t helped, tried to catch up on his dvr’d shows which hadn’t helped, thought of all the reasons he had to be angry which hadn’t helped, gone through a 6 pack of beer which hadn’t helped, and had recently opened the whiskey which, up until now, hadn’t helped. And then there had been a banging at his door.

Seeing her there had his emotions swirling again: she was safe…she was here, and beautiful and his…but she was also the reason for his muddled head and heart, the one who promised she wasn’t going anywhere which he took to mean she was gonna ride clean if for no other reason than to stay with him, be his partner on the job and off the clock. But that hadn’t been enough for her and the hurt and the anger came back at him full force. He used both hands to rub at his face, try to clear through the alcohol and his feelings.

Jay shook his head as she swept past and he closed the door. He turned to find her standing in the middle of his living room, looking torn between fuming and distressed. 

He sat on his couch while she stood watching him, sprawled back against the cushions and rubbed at his face. He’d let her in to his apartment, would see what she had to say, and try, _try_ , to see how to move forward. “All right, you obviously have something you want to say so…” He gestured for her to go ahead as he reached for his whisky glass.

Hailey was having a hard time sorting through her feelings and what she wanted to say. Anger was easiest so she started there. She nodded her head and began curtly, “Okay----first of all, why the hell were you there tonight, Jay” Her eyes narrowed as she tilted her head in wonder and confusion. “You followed me?! So much for the trust of partnership, huh?!”

He calmly answered. “Hailey—it was the same it always was. I go where you go.” He took a sip of whiskey, allowing himself to feel the luxury of the burn on his throat.

“ _Everywhere_?” she nearly sneered. “That’s something new.” Her arms crossed in front of her.

“So’s this.” He retorted, nearing the end of his ability to be calm in the face of her. He was too tired, too scared of what he’d been seeing, what he was seeing before him now. The woman who looked like his partner but sure as hell didn’t act like her. “If you’re gonna screw around,” He paused and bit at the inside of his cheek. “don’t think I’m gonna sit by and just watch it play out.”

“What does _that_ mean?!” Hailey tilted her head, exasperated. The anger was exhausting her, especially since she wasn’t too sure it was really the emotion she felt the most of. She thought it would be the easier of the choices but was struggling with it.

“It means I don’t want to watch you throw away everything. I get I can’t stop you Hailey, and it seems like you don’t want me…..” he nearly choked up and stopped short just for a second. He wet his bottom lip. “I have your back--that’s what I was doing tonight.” A scowl was slipping through as his calm depleted. “But you don’t seem to care too much about that.” A shrug. “ I was so pissed you went there but I stayed, wanted to make sure you were okay, see if you needed….” Again he had to stop. “Even when you _purposely_ went _against_ —“

She put up a hand. “So you were pissed. You don’t like what you see. Okay, I get it.” Her lips flattened out. “So why are you still my partner?”

“What?” The question caught him off guard.

Hailey shrugged a shoulder. “Why don’t you ask to switch out?”

The glass went to the table as he stood. “Is that what you want?” His voice was soft, venturing on hurt as he asked the question.

She mulled it over. She was the one who brought it up, she knew, but the words had just flown out. Things would be so much better if he wasn’t constantly there to remind her of who she was, who he believed she could be. But they’d also be so much harder without him. She didn’t know what she wanted, why she was even here. If Jay wasn’t her partner, who would be? She loved and trusted her team, but Jay—Jay was….Jay. She’d rather work alone than not have him. So the question she’d set up, she couldn’t answer. But again, she’d brought it up so had to have one. No it’s not what she wanted, even though right _now_ it was, and it probably wasn’t what she needed even if she thought things would just be so much _easier_ if she was alone. But if she lost him as her partner, if she gave him up, she doubted she’d ever get him back. She didn’t know if she could live with that. Not after knowing him,, having kissed him, touched him…She looked at him again as her jaw worked. _God, if he’d only just get mad at her, yell, scream, something.._ this would be so much easier.

Her hand went to her forehead as she wished she’d just gone in to her own damn house instead of coming here and creating problems that she had no solutions to.

Her anger crumbled and she was left completely lost. Her head shook as she thought of what she’d done tonight, and the months that came before—to her career, to her partnership, to the man that she stood in front of as she actively tore down the thing they’d only just started building. Tears pooled as she moved past him to now take his spot on the couch.

Jay shook his head disbelievingly, hating what he was seeing but not letting himself to go her. She was making her choices, he’d have to make his. “I love you Hailey but I don’t want to watch you destroy your career. You and me, we just started---and it seems like you’re throwing that away too.”

Hailey looked up at him, physically recoiling at his words. Her eyes were wide as she stared at him.

Jay didn’t know what just happened. He didn’t expect Hailey’s reaction to be this. Defensive maybe, angry, hopefully a bit of sadness…but the way she was looking at him didn’t fit with their conversation. She looked…stunned? He bit the inside of his lip for a second as he went back over his words and he got it. Instantly his chest was tight as his breaths came faster and his skin warmed. The words had just come out with all the others, they weren’t calculated or thought about beforehand. But now they were out in front of them and there was nothing he could do about it.

Everything went still between them with neither talking or moving. 

Hailey had been shocked to hear his words. She knew he had feelings for her but not to that extent. Not to the extent that they matched hers. The only difference was now, hers were unspoken whereas his no longer were. Unless they’d been a mistake, her brain reminded. Immediately, her heart went from hopeful to despondent. Tears pooled again at the thought of them being meaningless. In that second she’d allowed herself to hope when she should have known better.

She rolled her bottom lip in and bit down lightly, putting her eyes up to his. She tried to smile, to let him know that the mistake was okay, but it was too hard to do while trying to stop her lip and chin from trembling.

“It’s ok.” She assured him, not wanting him to be embarrassed. “I know that’s not how you meant it.” Her top teeth met her lip again.

“Wait a minute.” He nodded but didn’t move. “No.”

Her head tilted a bit as her eyes narrowed, not comprehending why he was dragging this out. They were in a hard place right now but even still, she never would have thought him to be mean.

“No, I mean.” He wanted to go to her but his feet wouldn’t move. “I do. And it sucks that it came out like, in _this_ conversation.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I have for a while now I think. I just hadn’t put the words to it.”

Suddenly Hailey’s head felt too heavy for her neck and she let it fall forward. This wasn’t happening. Jay didn’t love her, not the way she loved him. She couldn’t look at him. “Don’t do this Jay. I know I’ve fucked up,” she huffed out a self-deprecating chuckle. “A lot. And I’ve put you through a lot but…” she looked at him, nearly begging him not to play around with those words.

“Don’t you get it?” Finally his feet obeyed his brain and moved toward her. “I’ve watched a lot of cops flush their careers down the toilet—for drugs, money, power. And it’s sucked every single time but this…you….I can’t stand by and watch you do it. And you don’t seem to want my help so I don’t know _what_ to do here.”

She put her head in her hands, threading fingers through hair. “What am I doing?” she moaned and shook her head. Going back through the events of the past few months, Hailey didn’t even recognize herself. How had she gotten here? On the verge of losing everything she’d planned for, worked toward, hoped for.

She looked to Jay as he sat beside her. Her anger was gone, her eyes wide and open, pure and clear. More so than Jay could remember them ever being. “I’m so sorry.” She whispered it honestly and thoroughly. She had finally gotten to the point of seeing herself as he did, and it was jarring. “I don’t…I don’t know how I got…how I….this isn’t me. Jay, I swear, I’m not this person.”

He wrapped his arms around her, resting a cheek on the top of her head. “I know.” He stroked her arms, keeping her close. “I know it’s not. It’s why I’m still here.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey loves Jay in her own frustrating way.

Hailey leaned in to him and closed her eyes, allowing herself to fully feel the solace he was offering. “I’m sorry, Jay,” she whispered, repeating it a few times periodically.

He didn’t say anything, just held on to her and smoothed her hair back.

They sat that way for a while and the longer they did the heavier Hailey’s chest felt. She didn’t deserve this right now, certainly didn’t deserve him. She didn’t know what her fate was with Voight, with their team, or her position within Intelligence and the CPD. Whatever consequences lay before her she knew she wouldn’t involve Jay. She wanted to believe the words he’d told her earlier; to tell him she felt the same. But saying it wouldn’t prove anything. She loved him enough to spare him whatever lay before her. It'd be better for her to go it alone.

Decision made she leaned up of off him and turned to face him. “Thank you,” she told him with a soft smile. “I should go.”

Jay’s brow furrowed a bit as his arms dropped from her. “No, you don’t have—“

She leaned forward and gently kissed his cheek, another quiet, soft smile on her face as she looked at him. Hailey grabbed for her coat next to her and was gone.

Jay sat on his couch and rubbed at his face, not sure what the hell had just happened but he had a feeling it wasn’t good.

Hours later the sun rose, but Hailey hadn’t slept. Hadn’t even made it to her bed. She’d spent the night on her couch nursing the same drink she’d poured when she’d gotten home.

Her mind spun in circles— She hated this version of her, the one who did the things she’d done, thought the things she had, but at the same time she knew she was right in following up on that one last potential lead; it was their job to bust this guy, to find the missing girl….her mind spun again, this time to think about what Jay had said, how she had disobeyed direct orders, was supposed to be standing down—these were shadow ghosts of where she’d been before going to New York. Her brow furrowed as she knew she didn’t want to be here, doing this, potentially ruining her career, her partnership, her relationship with the unit. She wanted them to trust her, to be trustworthy. She’d spent so much of her life fighting to get here and now she was seemingly throwing it away. And even if and when she didn’t trust herself, she trusted Jay. Implicitly. They could disagree but she knew he’d never purposely lead her down a wrong road. Him telling her she was making poor choices whispered truth. She’d tried over and over again to push it down but it kept bubbling back up. His other words rang through her in between all the others, “I love you…” The words both warmed her and terrified her. She sighed heavily as the alarm on her phone began to sound. She hadn’t slept at all.

A change of clothes and a fresh ponytail didn’t help but she was pulling in to the lot regardless. She was the first one in. Hailey sat at her desk but didn’t move. She was bone weary both physically and emotionally, and missed the sounds of her boss coming up the stairs.

“Rough night?” He had hung up his coat in his office and come back out to see her. “Hailey?”

She forced herself to rouse a bit and grimaced. “Um, yeah.”

He stared at her for a moment before asking a simple question. “When’s the last time you slept?”

She tried to say the night before last, but had she? Or was that one of the nights she tossed and turned and gave up, trading sleep for a book or bad late night/early morning tv? She couldn’t tell so went with the truth.

She shrugged a bit. “I’m not sure.”

He was regarding her quietly. “You look it.”

Even if nothing else had been going on, that statement alone would have been enough to shame her. She averted her eyes and missed the look he gave her as his mouth twisted, disappointed, but heard him turn and move back toward his office.

“Sarge, can we talk?” The words had slipped out on their own, surprising her. Exhaustion had lowered her guard.

He came back to the doorway and nodded into his office. She stood and followed.

She sat in front of his desk now but didn’t speak. Didn’t know how to start. Didn’t want to blow up her career, cause even more doubt in her if that was possible.

“If it helps, it’s still early. We’re not on the clock.” Voight leaned back in his chair, getting comfortable.

She looked up at him, somewhat surprised. He’d do that for her? “Feel like I’ve spent a lot of time in this chair lately,” She mused.

He didn’t disagree with her and she stayed quiet. Hank said nothing, giving her the time to get out what she wanted to.

“You told me,” she finally began, hesitantly. “to drop the case. And I heard you--My CI thought he had something…I wanted to tie it up, see if there was anything there…I met with him about the Baldwin case.”

“Mm hm.” Voight leaned back. “Was there?”

She shrugged. “No,” she grimaced. “But I guess that’s not really the point.”

His eyes narrowed a bit. “What is?”

“I couldn’t stop.” She shook her head as she looked down. Her cuticles and the floor of the office vied for her attention as she worked for the right words to try and explain herself. Not just the right words, the honest words. She’d have to take whatever came her way as a result but if she was going to try and dig her way up and out of this hole she was in, she could only do so honestly.

“What you did was dangerous. Stupid—a word I never thought would describe you, Hailey.”

She looked to him, surprised again. Her brow furrowed as she tried to keep up.

“I knew about your CI, your meeting. Who do you think sent Jay down there?”

The sharp intake of breath didn’t clear her head so much as made her feel lightheaded.

“But…Hailey-- the fact that you’re in here this morning, looking like absolute hell, talking to me on your own,” he nodded a bit. “tells me that maybe, just maybe, you’re not as far off the mark as I’d thought. Or at least…. you know when you’re off of it. That’s more than you had before.”

She swallowed hard, wondering if she was hearing this correctly. “Sar--,”

“We’re not done with this.” He shook his head. She was still on his shit list but at least maybe, maybe, there might be a chance to work her way off. She nodded, accepting that.

He looked pensive for a moment, solidifying the idea he’d had earlier and thankfully scrapped the other. “You’re looking at meetings with the Behavioral Intervention System, counseling, desk duty then modified duty. You’ll write up BOLOs, warrants, liase between departments as needed….” He nodded, satisfied with where this was going, feeling more confident that this was the right choice. She was too good to throw away. She was worth the fight.

“Go home Hailey. Get some sleep. If anything jumps off we’ll call you in. But you’re no good to anyone like this. Tomorrow, be ready to fill out some paperwork…then we’ll see how badly you want to come back.”

She wasn’t sure what to say now. Just looked up at him, grateful. She’d take anything if it meant she still had a spot, was still part of a team. This team.

She saw his eyes flick over to the time and she followed them with her own.

“Huh, look at that, looks like we’re on the clock.” He gestured toward the door.

She nodded, the smallest of smiles appearing on her face as she stood.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler chapter. Not entirely thrilled with it but we're getting to the end.

It had been a rough morning for Jay, on the heels of a rough night. He knew better than to think Hailey would call or text but he watched his phone nonetheless. He wanted to text or call her but the ball was in her court right now. He’d slept fitfully, gotten up early to take his frustrations out on the punching bag at the gym and come in to work. He’d expected and braced himself for some awkwardness from his partner but was surprised to see her desk untouched when he arrived. He checked his phone to see she still hadn’t gotten in touch, and looked around for someone to ask. Maybe she was just late. He’d give it a few minutes.

Movement on the stairs quickened his pulse and his eyes shot toward the opening of the bullpen. Disappointment ran hard through him as he quickly looked back to his work.

Adam gave him a look but didn’t say anything as he moved to his own desk and sat.

When twenty had gone by, Jay spoke, keeping his tone casual. “He…. Ruze, you hear from Hailey today?”

“Uh-uh” Adam answered immediately. “But if you do, and she’s stopping for coffee, ask her to grab me one will ya?”

Jay nodded absently. He stood and went to his boss’ door, hating to ask this question knowing it could open any number of doors to conversations he didn’t want to have. “Hey Sarge, got a second?” He moved forward as Hank waved him in. “You hear from Hailey? She’s not in yet and I haven’t been able to get in touch with her.”

“Mmm,” Hank went back to writing on a form. “Sent her home.”

Jay’s brow furrowed in confusion. Home?

Voight continued to write, eyes on his paper as he spoke. “She was in earlier, looked like hell…told her we’d call her in if needed.” His eyes shot up quickly at Jay before going back to the form. “You’re not looking too great yourself—anything going on I should know about?”

He shook his head and answered quickly. “No—no-no-no. Just—yeah, I know she was having a hard time letting the Baldwin case go.” He figured it was close enough to the truth.

Voight looked to him, gauging the content of what Jay was saying. He’d had partners, knew how they worked, covering for each other even when they shouldn’t. “Hm.” He was leaving it for now. “Well--seems quiet this morning. Take the day if you need it.”

Jay nodded, mulling over the offer. “Thanks…I think I’m good.”

“Jay. Take the day.”

Jay took the day. It was a fruitless day spent at home, cleaning, napping, checking his phone, refusing to check his phone, making sure his volume was up and his silent mode was off. He checked in with Kevin only to hear nothing much was going on there either. They were all finishing reports and were heading home early. He thought about accepting the offer to meet them all at Molly’s but Jay could do with a down night, to resettle himself. Figure out where he stood with Hailey, where they stood together, if anywhere at all.

All units had been called in for two patrol duties this month. The first had gone smoothly, Hailey and Kevin had been assigned the third shift. The late night wasn’t boring but they’d come away from it unscathed. The same could be said for the rest of the team and their shifts, but now Hailey found herself standing before the desk sergeant in the lobby trying to see if a reassignment was possible.

“Upton,” Platt sighed, heavily, rifling through a thick file of paperwork. “The schedule is the schedule. You want to plan who goes where and when, go choreograph a dance video.” She looked up sharply. “Do they still make those? Or is that those tic tac toes now?”

Hailey reigned in a smile. “Sarge, I get it, it’s just that—“

“Hey.” She was interrupted by Jay, who had put some bound folders on her desk. “Special delivery from Richards at the courthouse.”

Hailey smiled shyly and raised her eyebrows in a silent greeting.

“What’s this?” Jay took the paper she’d been palming, and nodded in recognition. “Second patrol schedule?” Hailey let go of the paper and he checked it out more closely, seeing what he assumed may have been the reason she was standing here. He nodded silently and raised his eyebrows to her. “You good?”

She knew he was asking about their being paired up for the shift. She tried for nonchalance as she shrugged. “Yeah. All good.” She offered a genuine smile. “I’ll bring the coffee.”

“Sounds good.” He slid the paper back toward her and patted it twice before heading to the gate.

Hailey let out a breath when he was gone and found Platt looking at her when she lifted her eyes. “What?”

Platt leaned forward a bit and spoke a bit quietly. “Here’s a bit of unsolicited but expert and valuable advice: There are some relationships, cops with cops, interunit relationships, that are difficult to maintain because the fit’s not right.”

Hailey’s brow furrowed lightly for a second as her time with Ruzek flitted through her mind.

“And others are hard…because they do fit right. And that’s a hard thing to accept, that the right thing could be there, even when you think you don’t deserve it.” She leaned back to standing and went back to rifling through the paperwork. “Still gotta fight for it though. Nothing’s easy.”

Hailey stood still, processing Platt’s words. She hadn’t realized how long she’d stood there until she heard her superior speak again. “This isn’t a bus stop, detective.”

Hailey chuckled under her breath, and moved back from the desk. She made her way upstairs to start her day.

She’d done as she said and brought Jay a coffee when they met up at their patrol car for the night. They’d done okay making small talk. It was only weird because small talk wasn’t something they did. But they both went with it figuring it was easier than awkward silence and better than delving in to things they both needed to talk about but didn’t since it wasn’t the right time or environment. 

Second shift wasn’t as busy as her third with Atwater but it was certainly nicer to walk around in the fall evening air. She and Jay were walking the last block of their assigned area, listening to the concert going on in Millenium Park across the street. There were special units assigned for crowd control so they were free to patrol, observe, and enjoy the fact that their shift was coming to an end and they were both finishing it with smiles.

The patrol ride back to the district was an easy one. Jay was behind the wheel and they’d called in the end of their shift. Unless something crazy went down they were free to head back to the district and clock out. Overtime would be reflected in their next paychecks.

“So you miss being out in the field?”

The question caught her off guard. “Umm,” she thought about how to respond and sucked her teeth. “No…” she breathed out.

The answer surprised him. “No?” He shot her a look to see if she was kidding. He would have thought she’d be chomping at the bit by now to be back out with the team. It had been over three weeks and there’d been no indication that she was done with desk duty yet.

“Well, someone has to type up the surveillance notes.” She tried to joke but knew it fell flat. Hailey took a breath and remembered who sat beside her. She spoke honestly. “I still have a counseling session left. And to want to be back out…I’ve adopted a no-wanting way of life. Certainly a lot less chaotic.” She’d tried to quip, to have it come off off the cuff, but she knew it wasn’t working and sighed. “No use in wanting—I’ll be back out when Voight decides it.”

Jay nodded imperceptibly, not sure he liked her answer. He nearly choked on his question but her answer to it was important for him know. “What’s wrong with wanting?”

She looked to him quickly, a small smirk on her face as she chuckled. She spoke lowly, through the smirk. “Everything.” Her shoulders moved a bit as she moved her eyeline out the windshield, watched their district loom in the near distance. “Things I’ve wanted I’ve…I’ve messed up pretty badly. In some ways it’s harder not to…” her voice trailed off as the thought about what she’d given up on, the biggest being the person beside her and what they’d almost had before she’d scorched it. She strengthened her posture and her voice as she spoke again. “And easier. Voight is currently the captain of my ship. I go where he steers me.” She shrugged as if to say that’s all there was to it.

Again, Jay nodded slightly as he pulled the car in to the lot. He parked but didn't move, just stared down at the steering wheel. Hailey waited to take her cue from him, so she too sat, wondering what he was thinking. She didn't have to wait long.

"That doesn't sound like you."

"No?"

"No." He turned to her. "Too passive. Not enough balls."

Hailey huffed out a quiet laugh. "Yeah maybe..." she conceded. "But look where that got me." Her lips twisted a few times as her tone was one of light self deprecation.

"I gotta try it out," she whispered in explanation.

He turned even more toward her and said her name.

Panic churned in her stomach, not knowing exactly what Jay was about to say but knew that she wasn't strong enough to hear it. She couldn't do that to him, put herself in a position where she'd hurt him. Quickly she shook her head a few times and offered a smile, one of the most difficult things she'd done in a long time. "We should go clock in. Platt's gonna want the keys." She nodded toward the ignition then opened her door, breathing shakily as she did so. Their shift was over.

From the breakroom Jay held his still empty coffee mug and watched his partner through the glass window. She was buried in paperwork and working through it diligently, not looking at all negatively affected by the pile on her desk. Their quasi conversation had stuck with him for the better part of the past two weeks. He'd gone over it and over it, trying to see where she was coming from, how she was seeing things. He thought it may have had it down and decided to make a move. He watched her eyes go to her phone as an incoming call came through. The call was short and she got right back to work.

He walked toward their desks. “Hey,” Jay’s chin lifted slightly as he asked for her attention.

She looked to him, a soft smile on her face as she caught his glance from the side, through her hair. He moved close enough to see she was typing up a closing report on the last case. 

He’d thought about how to go about this and had decided on casual. Regular. Cool. Not make a big deal about it even though to him, it was. “You busy later?”

He could tell the question took her by surprise and found that it didn’t bother him. He just waited for her answer.

“Later?” Her brow furrowed for a second as she mentally ran both through the rest of her day and repeated his question to herself. Her hair shook along with her head as she answered. “Ummm, no. What are you thinking?” She tilted her head a bit as she asked.

“Just… Hawks are playing-- pizza, beer….” He sipped at his mug surprised when just a drop met his lips. For all the time in the break room he’d never filled it. He played it off and placed it on his desk while he sat on the corner of hers.

Hailey blinked fast a few times. It had been what felt like a long time since they’d done their thing. Her fault, she knew. It had taken a while but she’d come to terms, sadly, that she’d missed her chance with him. He’d told her he loved her and she hadn’t said it back. They hadn’t even talked about it again. They’d started something only for her to ruin it.

They’d be partners and she’d be satisfied, she told herself a thousand times. The only thing she refused to allow were the thoughts of what would happen someday when he told her about the woman he was dating, that he wanted to propose to, marry. But even swatting the thoughts away still kept them around her consciousness, and the part of her that knew that that day would come eventually was miserable. As much as she wanted to be his partner indefinitely, she hoped that news would come third party when she’d moved on to something else, another unit, an undercover operation. Anything that wouldn’t allow the news to come from him as he stood in front of her, happy. 

For now though, if he was willing to do this, simple hockey and a junk food dinner, maybe talk a little, she’d try go along with it.Her counselor had encouraged her to take baby steps back toward who she'd been. This seemed like an important few-- Maybe it could help her see them get back to friends.

“It’s been a while, huh.” It was more of a statement than a question and he said it softly while he stared at her. Into her eyes.

Hailey found herself feeling warm by his sudden closeness. They’d worked well together without fail, but it was all pretty civil. Professional. Their…whatever it was had been snuffed out by her actions. She reminded herself of it constantly; She knew she was responsible, and lived with that constant knowledge and guilt every minute of every day.

Hailey nodded, her head bouncing lightly as she gave a few short nods. “Yeah.” Her answer was just as soft. “That sounds good."

Jay nodded. “I’ll get the pizza. Still like Giordanos?”

“I do.” Her smile was trapped somewhere between a grimace and a smirk as she tried to control her emotions, her chin, and her lip. As Jay agreed and stood to walk back to his desk Hailey closed her eyes and willed herself to get it together as she bit her lip, willing the tremble she felt not be visible. 

Jay was in his seat, across from her again as she turned back to her screen and got back to transcribing _._ Periodically she’d glance over at him, wondering what had prompted his invitation. Jay did the same, though he was just thankful that the conversation hadn’t been weird. And that she’d said yes. Maybe there was hope--he wasn't sure for what but he knew he was glad that he had it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting back on track....

“This is just _so_ _bad_ ,” Jay groaned, leaning his head back against his couch. He closed his eyes in disgust.

Hailey laughed from the kitchen. “I didn’t say it was good, I said it came highly recommended,” she deadpanned as she came to join him on the couch, throwing a few small chips in her mouth. She hadn’t added that the recommendation came from one of the newly graduated, very _young_ , patrolmen in the district. “Besides, you know there’s this magical thing that will change the channel _for_ you. It’s called the remote.” She nodded toward the device that sat beside Jay on the arm of the couch.

“Thanks,” he grunted, accepting the new bottle of beer that she offered. One sip and he continued on, gesturing at the screen, “Y’know, when I was a kid—“ He stopped abruptly as Hailey choked.

She waved him off, seeing how he was about to reach around and pat her back. Sputtering and laughing, she choked out, “You know you’re not nearly old enough to have a ‘when I was a kid’ story, right?” She wiped at her mouth, grinning at him from behind her bottle, and pointed a finger. “Because if you are, that means I am---And I’m not.”

He gave her a half-hearted scowl while noticing how beautiful she was right now. He’d always known she was beautiful, it was a fact you just accepted when you met Hailey, but right now with her hair down, her face bright with laughter, pink from the coughing fit, and her blue eyes shining, it was a fact that was staring him in the face, screaming. But it wasn’t even the physical, it was her presence, who she was, what she stood for, how she treated people…how she made him feel. Now, together on his couch after weeks of uncomfortable silences and awkward conversations they were all of a sudden and seemingly easily back to being _them_. They hadn’t dredged up old wounds or delved deeply into issues, for now they could simply be in each others space and the edges softened. Jay’s emotions rose closer to the surface and words that he’d thought so often fought to be spoken.

Hailey saw his eyes freeze on her, and felt her insides twist. She swallowed hard and tried to wait him out but she couldn’t take the look in his eyes. It reminded her of his kisses, his touch, the warmth of his body against hers those months ago. Back when she believed they had a chance to be successfully more, when she thought she could give him peace instead of chaos. “Jay.” She warned softly with his name, looking right back at him for as long as she could before averting her eyes down to the texture of his couch.

It took at least a beat before he came back to himself and huffed out a small breathy laugh. He pulled his eyes away and muttered a quiet apology. Hailey didn’t say anything as they both tried to wade through the sudden change in atmosphere. She drew back a bit and settled herself against the far arm of the couch, stretching her legs out. Her eyes went to the tv screen, happy to find a way back to the ease of his company. “So, what makes this so bad?”

She rose to a level of wakefulness that she could only describe as dreamy. There was a heavy warmth over her body and her legs were….she wasn’t sure what that feeling was. She realized she’d dozed off during the golf game Jay had on earlier and she saw him now fully invested in the Blackhawks game. She propped herself up on her elbows and saw what he was doing. His eyes were on the game and he was muttering about the offense they were taking, but his hands were on her.

Her feet were up on Jay’s lap and he was gently, absent-mindedly, rubbing a hand up and down her right leg, shin to ankle. It was an intimate touch and she wasn’t sure how to process the feelings that came with both the sight and the feeling. But she realized she wasn’t pulling away. The instinct hadn’t been there. Somewhere in the back of her mind there had registered the familiarity of Jay’s touch on her skin, the safety and comfort it brought.

She was clear-headed enough to speak. From her propped up on elbows position she cocked her head to the side, smiling a bit while she spoke his name. “Jay.”

It took him a second to hear her, to distract him from the game and when he looked at her he didn’t understand the look she was giving him. The look that asked ‘what are you doing?’ with a lightly sarcastic tone mixed with a soft curiosity. She glanced from his eyes to his hands and he followed, immediately stilling them.

She hadn’t meant to embarrass him so attempted to draw her legs back, but he stopped her as his forearm came down on her ankles. Purposely, he kept his eyes forward and away from her. After a beat he took the remote and turned the game off.

His eyes still not on her, he spoke. “Before…you talked about…you said you weren’t wanting.”

Hailey took a slow, deep breath, as she felt time stretch out, watching him begin to shake his head. “That doesn’t work.” His voice was quiet and matter of fact. “Not for me.” He’d had time to think through what he wanted to say as he’d watched her sleep deeply beside him; A sight that solidified what he wanted to talk to her about. He hadn’t realized the opportunity would come so quickly but he welcomed it nonetheless.

“Jay,” her voice matched his in volume and he turned his head to look at her. “It’s not what I want.” Her look, her tone were filled with regret. Hailey reached for her now warm beer on the coffee table and sipped at it, while trying to land on words that would make him understand. “It just…It’s safer. I’m trying to take back some control…” She picked at the wetted label on her bottle with her short fingernail as her voice trailed off. She had spent hours having the conversation with herself, trying to make clear just why she had so quickly (and hatefully) cooled it with Jay. She’d come to the conviction that she didn’t want to hurt him, and she was absolutely terrified that that’s exactly what she’d end up doing. At least until she could get her shit solidly together.

The words were barely out of her mouth when his response came sharply. “Screw that.”

She looked at him, uncertain what he meant, but she took the opportunity to break the physical contact with him and drew her legs back underneath her. “What?”

“You heard me. That’s bullshit, you wanting to take back some kind of control, you’re the most in-control person I know. Everything you do Hailey,” he paused. “everything you’ve done. You knew exactly what you were doing, you were just willing to take whatever happened on the other end.” He stood and turned to look at her. “I worked it out---you’re scared.”

She tried to meet his eyes but couldn’t for more than a second or two at a time. Of course he’d worked it out. But admitting he was right was a whole other thing entirely. She was surprising lacking in defensiveness and instead spoke softly. He wasn’t coming at her in anger and she didn’t return any “I’m not scared, Jay. What would I be scared of?”

“I don’t know.” His answer was earnest. Honest. “But I feel like I’m the only one fighting for us to have a chance. It’s like you’ve…just given up and I don’t get it. I don’t see what’s changed.”

Hailey didn’t speak for a moment, instead looking down at her knees and trying to come up with an answer that might make sense to him. She reached forward and placed her beer back on the table.

“I don’t want to give up, not on trying this out.” Her admission came quietly and Jay came to sit back on the couch beside her. “But what you said, that’s pretty much exactly the point. Nothing’s changed—I don’t think _I’ve_ changed, Jay.” She whispered the last part, her fear coming through. “Not in the way Voight was hoping, at least not as much. And I’m still not 100% on how much I need to—or want to.” He didn’t respond so she went on. “And if I make choices that impact me, that’s one thing, but you…?” She looked up to find his eyes squarely on her, again listening, again not judging. “If I did something that hurt you—somehow—“ She shook her head and huffed out a rueful chuckle. She couldn’t even finish the thought.

“Listen,” he moved closer to her and put his hand on her upper arm. “That’s why you have to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on up there.” His other hand gently touched the side of her head before moving a lock of hair behind her ear. “Cuz, I hate to tell you this, and really I’ve thought about it-- but you’re pretty much stuck with me, no matter what.” He smirked just a bit. He saw her chin tremble despite her best efforts and went for it. “Want me Hailey. Because God knows I want you. I want to give this a real chance.”

His words settled in her heart and she could have basked in the warmth they created inside of her forever. But she spoke instead. “And if it ruins us? If we screw up everything we have, if—If **I** screw us up **…** I don’t think I could live with that, Jay **.** I’d rather have nothing than do that.” She ended with a whisper.

He moved closer again, a small smirk on his lips. “I don’t think it’s possible for us to have nothing. You’ve been trying but I’m still here.” He took her hand and put it to his chest. “I’m right here.”

“Despite my best efforts,” she affirmed quietly with a joke, desperately trying to keep her fight up.

He huffed out a loud breath, acknowledging her attempt with a flash of a smile. His features fell back to somber easily. “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt something for someone.” He bit his lower lip as he shook his head lightly. “I don’t wanna let this go.”

Whatever resolve Hailey had left crumbled at his admission, his continued willingness to fight for her. She was up on her knees with her hands on either side of his face, feeling the stubble from his cheek under her palms and fingers as she stroked his skin. She hesitated only to look him in the eye, to let him know she was in with him, fully. No more running, no more backing up, backing out. And then her lips gently met his, working to assure him again that she was his, that she’d fight her demons, her impulsivity to stay with him.


End file.
